Monday, October 29, 2007

hanging on

So, this was supposed to be a blog about pregnancy loss, possible secondary infertility, rants about my daily life, and ultimately a triumphant story about life.

Instead, welcome to the my life is collapsing blog.

Things in my marriage were following a plan. My in-laws picked up my daughter, my husband and I had a really good dinner out, really nice relaxing check in with each other time, we cuddled on the couch later that night, slept in, went and ran a few fun errands, and headed up to my in-laws. Traffic was terrible, and DH was frustrated. He’s an impatient person, and this traffic was as bad as it gets. Things finally started moving and we started talking – reminiscing, asking each other thoughtful questions, focusing on each other. It was really nice. And arrival at my in-laws was great – very welcoming, very family loving type atmosphere. Our daughter was happy to see us, but happy there, too. And she was being adorable with her cousin. There were so many times Friday night that my husband and I caught each other’s eyes and just smiled. Ah, I thought.

And then Saturday morning my mother-in-law watched my daughter and my husband and I went back to bed and cuddled. And he got turned on. And so did I. He reminded me we had agreed to put sex aside at our meeting with our counselor. Too charged, she felt, right now. I disagreed – I was turned on, he was turned on, I wanted him. I hoped he wanted me.

Our sex life is a huge issue between us. It always has been. He has issues of control – losing control too quickly during sex. It’s been a long festering issue that blew up 4 years ago (a story for another time). The year after our daughter was born, I simply wasn’t in the mood most of the time. And then the pregnancy loss – well, all I can say is that my sex drive had just this summer started to come back. And we had had some good sex this summer, particularly early on.

But something happened in late summer/early fall. We started trying to get pregnant again, and the resulting secondary infertility has been hard on me. Sex became nothing but mechanical. Not having a good sex life is the number one problem in our marriage – but I’ve been so focused on myself, my infertility, my deep desire to get pregnant again, that I didn’t care we’d had crap sex for the past 2 or so months. Just didn’t care.

And that’s what’s come back to bite me in the ass.

Anyway, we had a passionate encounter Saturday morning, with me taking the lead, which rarely happens, especially over these last few years.

And my husband felt he had issues with control. Though it was really, really good for me. It was not psychologically good for him.

Saturday morning we hung around the house then went out to run errands. Then late afternoon, went to a sportsbar to watch some college football. He and I weren’t clicking. He wasn’t there, he was someplace else. Partially caught up in the game, but also just not there. I knew something was up, though not sure entirely what, and hoping against hope it wasn’t too bad.

This is going to be like a seven page post. There’s soo much to type.

We needed to leave early because my father-in-law developed a prostate problem, and needed to go to the hospital to have pressure on his bladder relived. My mother in law had a time dealing with him and our daughter while we were out.

So we head home, and instead of being asleep, my daughter was suffering from a bit of I guess separation anxiety – wouldn’t sleep in her crib. I started with her, and my husband relieved me, and I said, ok, I’ll be back up soon to relieve you. So I went downstairs, where my sister in law was working in the kitchen. My sister had been text messaging both me and my husband just for fun. While I was in the kitchen, my phone buzzed in the other room, and my husband’s did too. Thinking it was my sister, I picked up his phone. But of course it wasn’t.

It was his girlfriend – XOXOXO, I want you.

My blood just froze. How could he?


I was shaking.

And then I dialed.

She answered tentatively:


This is DH’s wife. I need for you to leave my husband alone.

Did you know that my dad had triple bypass surgery this week?

Yes, I did, and I’m sorry.

Did you know my husband and I suffered a devastating pregnancy loss this past spring that has totally rocked our marriage?

No, I didn’t. I’m sorry.

I need for you to leave him alone. You will regret it if you don’t (said angrily).

Are you threatening me (said defensively)

(whoosh, all the air out of my sails). No, God, no, I’m not threatening you. I’m sorry. I am making a HUGE mistake calling you. I just needed you to know that you can’t do this to another woman’s marriage.

Does he know you’re calling me? Where is he?

He’s upstairs soothing our daughter to sleep. A daughter that is upset and needs her daddy. Needs him married to her mommy, and in her life 24/7.

I think you should talk about this with him.

Look, when I was your age I had an affair with a married man. It ended badly, as it always does, and I regret it to this day. This can’t end well.

I am uncomfortable have this conversation with you.

Look, I am blowing my marriage right now. This call is going to kill things. I just needed you to know you were hurting a PERSON. Two people. A two year old who needs her daddy, and me, who needs her husband right now.

I can’t talk to you any longer.

I know. Bye.


God, what did I do? I knew, despite the fact HE was in the wrong, that he would be enraged I had done this. I’ve also got to hand it to her, she stood her ground. I’m not dealing with anything that is going to be easy.

Then I paced. And paced and paced. I couldn’t relieve him, because he’d come down and text her since he had privacy and then it would all come out. I needed to tell him, and deal with it.

Then he finally came downstairs.

Me: we need to go outside and talk

DH: I KNEW it. You couldn’t leave it alone. I knew you got on my phone.

Me: it’s worse, we need to go outside.

Once outside I told him I had seen the messages. And he was screaming at me that I was so wrong for getting on his phone. And then I told him about the call. And he lost it. SCREAMING. Hel-lo, neighbors, welcome to my disfunctional life.

I stayed fairly calm. I had to.

We argued, and fought, and talked. And talked, and it wasn’t good. He was going to sleep on the couch, force me to drive home Sunday, while he took the train, and he was moving out Sunday.

He actually said that things were starting to click back for him – he was starting to warm up to me, but I had killed it with that call. He had been willing to work on things but now wasn’t.

My main thread was that I knew he hadn’t been really willing, I had known he wasn’t “there” and as long as he was still involved with her he and I couldn’t work on things, he had promised me and our counselor that he was putting her aside to work with me on our marriage, and he owed it to me and our daughter to work on things. And that I had known he hadn’t given her up.

He said he had tried to end things, but she was upset, and he missed her, and after two talks about ending things, he discovered he wasn't able to.

I finally went to bed, and slept maybe an hour. I woke up just thinking over and over, what should I have done? Should I have pretended I hadn’t seen the text? Just tried to go with things, hoping it would just take a while and he’d come to his senses? Was he really close to clicking back to me, and what did that mean, especially if he was still texting?

So I got up, and wandered downstairs, and found him typing away on his computer. He was messaging her. He stopped, and we talked.

And this time it was better. He had needed to apologize to her, and then he told me she had said if she was in my position she would have done the same thing. (great, so it’s ok because a 15-year my junior homewrecking girl respected it???). We talked and talked and talked many things through, and I can’t even remember half of the conversation. We were both so tired. But in the end he said he wasn’t moving out Sunday, he would drive back with us, and he was coming to bed.

My daughter woke up as we came into the guest room, so we pulled her into bed where she cuddled tight between us. In many ways it was heartbreaking, but in other ways it had just the slightest feeling of family.

On Sunday, we got up, fed my daughter, and my husband ate. I am barely eating, but I am also about 50 pounds overweight, so I’m actually kind of pleased I’m not eating much these days. The my father might die and my husband is leaving me diet isn’t recommended, but I’m nearly 10 pounds down over the past two and a half weeks.

I spent some time talking to my mother in law. My husband had told her Saturday night what was going on. Her advice to me was not helpful – she thinks it’s over. Not because of our circumstances, but because of things in her life she’s projecting. She may be right, it really might be over, but not for the reasons she thinks. I still had hope (though my hope was narrowing), and I still have hope.

We drove home mostly quietly, though nicely.

And when we got home we had a decent, peaceful talk. We were sitting on the couch and my daughter was watching TV. And he said he was just so tired and sad, but that he understood that my actions were the result of passion, and he appreciated how hard I was fighting for him. He just didn’t know what was going on with him, and he needed space. He said he needed to move out because that was the only thing that might help him miss us and WANT to be back.

Maybe I am foolish, but as long as the door is not totally slammed, I want to salvage things. I know we can, if he can. If there’s even the slightest spark left in him, we can make it work. God, maybe I am the dumbest person in the world and need to face reality.

I don’t believe in divorce. I think people get divorced too easily. I think everyone deserves to be happy, and I don’t think people should stay married solely for the kids. But I think long-term relationships wax and wane. And effort and love can see them through bad times into better times, and even into good times. If there’s even a chance of that happening, I want it to, and will do anything to have it work out. It’s not in my daughter’s best interests to have to split her life between two households, two sets of families, splitting holidays, etc etc etc. – not having her father there 24//7. Her life would be better with him there than not, and honestly so would mine.

OK, so now it’s Monday. I’m on a plane to my job interview. My husband has his first individual counseling session this afternoon. More stuff happened last night, maybe I will write about it later. But my computer is almost out of battery, and I have tons of reading to do for this interview tomorrow. They told me to come prepared with knowledge of the background issues, and I am not prepared.

I need to focus on my reading. I’m glad I’ve typed this out. I actually feel better – it’s let off some pressure. I’ll type more later tonight. I don’t know what to expect when I call tonight and I am nervous about it.

I want to also mention that he drove me to the airport, and pulled my bags out of the trunk while I kissed my little girl bye. He pecked me on the lips, and I said come on, kiss me like you mean it. He said what do you want, but gave me a better kiss. Distant, but with some emotion. I told him I loved him and he said it back.

Ugh, seeing it all typed – I am hanging on by the slenderest thread, aren’t I?

Meanwhile, I’d be dishonest if I didn’t also type he had received a call from her while we were home this morning (oh, my mother-in-law couldn’t comedown to babysit, because of my father in law, so he’s working what he can from home today and tomorrow). Anyway, the call was mostly business, and he stayed within earshot. Near the end he was using short answers, so it had delved more personal, and I heard him answer “in a little bit” – I’m sure the question was when can we talk, when is she leaving, or something along those lines.

I don’t want him to move out. I think he needs space, but moving out just feels like giving him tacit permission to date his girlfriend. I told him they’d have sex before the week was out. He didn’t really respond to that.

He slept in our bed last night, and it was cold, and we cuddled tightly. He says I refuse to beleive he isn't feeling much for me, but I do know there’s not much emotion behind his cuddling. What I don’t believe is that there is none, and that there never can be again

OK, good grief, 6 pages of typed text. I wish I was better at analyzing. Right now I’m just disgorging. I wish I had readers to comment, though I’d probably only get kick his ass to the curb honey and count yourself lucky. I’m not there yet. I might get there, but as long as there is hope, I’m hanging on. Even if it is the slenderest thread.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to preface my remarks with this. I am not writing this to be mean. I am writing this as someone who has been there. My ex was a liar and a cheater and I know the pain you are going through.

"He pecked me on the lips, and I said come on, kiss me like you mean it. He said what do you want, but gave me a better kiss. Distant, but with some emotion. I told him I loved him and he said it back. "

So what if he gave you a better kiss? He did it because you asked him, not because he wanted to. You are throwing yourself at him and he isn't even worth it. And you are correct, divorce isn't something that should be undertaken lightly, but even the Bible allows divorce for infertility. And don't get me wrong, it's good that you are willing to "try" for a relationship. But staying with a man who is abusing you and constantly screwing around isn't particularly moral. It just says you are afraid to demand better for yourself.

This is an illusion:
"It’s not in my daughter’s best interests to have to split her life between two households, two sets of families, splitting holidays, etc etc etc. – not having her father there 24//7. Her life would be better with him there than not, and honestly so would mine. "

Your daughter is learning that it's okay to have a cheating father and husband. I can't believe you think this is "better" for her or for you.

"And he said he was just so tired and sad, but that he understood that my actions were the result of passion, and he appreciated how hard I was fighting for him."

That's laughable. If he had any cajones, he would be EMBARRASSED and ashamed how he's treating his wife. And I know, because I've been there, but there is nothing more painful than auditioning for the role of wife when you've already got that role. He should be concerned about you, not his 25 year old skank on the side.

You are grasping at any little thing he says to try and find something positive. But when a man says he needs space or he doesn't want to be with you, he really means it. Women are the ones who try and find all these nuances, but trust me, men aren't that complicated. He wants to be gone, and making him feel guilty will make him stick around for a while, but it won't work for the long term.

You need invididual counseling to determine why you would settle for so little. And you need to be really honest with the counselor and tell him/her EXACTLY what your husband is saying.

Couples counseling is painful. There is nothing worse than going there and giving it your all, only to find out your spouse isn't all there because he's cheating. It's not worth it. Go by yourself and separate from this asshole and REALLY think about whether you want him back.

This is VERY manipulative on his part:

"He actually said that things were starting to click back for him – he was starting to warm up to me, but I had killed it with that call. He had been willing to work on things but now wasn’t. "

He sounds very abusive and manipulative. He wasn't 'willing to work on things' in the first place because, HELLO, he was still seeing her. He's just angry because he got caught, and he made up this story because he knew it would push your buttons and make YOU feel bad. Do you see what a self-centered prick he is?

Anonymous said...

Hi there

Thanks for writing this blog, loved reading it