finality

My husband found my blog. I had left the screen up on my computer. He was ok with it, mostly, seeing it as a way for me to relieve the pressure and stress.

But, he said he could see from what I wrote that he was sending me mixed messages. He wants to be supportive, he wants me to be happy, he wants me to get a good job, he wants my dad to be ok, and he wants to move out.

He says he's getting greater clarity, and that clarity is how to spend time with our daughter, and get separated and get divorced. He's tried for the 12 years we've been together, and he can't keep trying.

I knew things weren't great. I thought I had time - work on myself, find a better job, and then work on our relationship. I still maintain, and will always maintain, that he's doing this too quickly, without enough warning and without really trying. Walking around sighing is not trying. Bringing things up and talking them through is trying.

But I can't force him. Lord knows I wish I could. But pressuring him and getting in his face, and forcing the issue only drives him further and further away. Not that you can get much further, but still.

I need to focus on how I get through this. How I make a life for our daughter - for us together. How I can manage being a single mom. I am petrified, there's no denying that. I'm also so so sad to lose what I thought was my rock.