peering

OK, so for whatever reason, I tend to have little flurries of anxiety in the afternoon, generally around 4 pm. I've been fighting off anxiety all afternoon today.

I mean seriously, am I just being a fool? Am I kidding myself? Is this change of heart, to try to work things out, just a ploy to stay in the house through Christmas, and then once the holidays are over, and the dark days of January start, it's right back to separation and divorce?

I don't know. You don't know either. No one knows. I don't think he knows.

OK, breathing.

I hate January and February. HATE. No diagnosed seasonal affective disorder, and I doubt I have anything diagnosable, but I am miserable in the cold and dark. I live much better in the sunshine.

This would be much easier if it was the Hollywood ending, the soft fade into a sunset. And I know it's not that. I mean, hell, is staying with someone who twice cheated any type of happy Hollywood ending? My real Hollywood ending would be discovering the strength I possess within myself, then stumbling upon a new "perfect" love.

We talked this afternoon and set up our weekend plans. Movies on Saturday night, a Christmas play on Sunday afternoon. Picking up the Christmas tree on Saturday morning. I have plans tonight. We're also going to do some work in the house, and he said yesterday he thought we should use some money his parents gave him for the project (oh, and believe me that money was not on the table before now).

Next week, Tuesday-Friday, I'm away on a business trip. I think getting out of the house will be a good thing, and since I'm a short-timer, the trip really is a boondoggle. I have friends in the area, so I'll be able to spend time having fun, and the work part of the trip is not strenuous at all (I've been on trips where you never set foot outside the meeting room, and this isn't that, thank goodness!).

I just can't shake this feeling I'm on a roller coaster. You know how there are big drops and loops in the beginning, and then again at the end? But the middle part is fairly tame, a few small hills and twists and turns.