first trip

Sitting in a conference room, itching to be free. I traveled for a two day workshop that my new company sponsors, to try to learn more about what we do and how it's received. It's been interesting, but I've been in this conference room since 8:30 this morning. There's an evening session which will start soon. All in all a long day. Interesting, but long. I MUST go to the gym at my hotel.

I love shopping - and love end of season sales hat start before the season is really even up and running. So even though winter is just now kicking in, I just bought a cute scarf from the Gap that was marked down to $4. I wanted it before Christmas, but it was $35. Ridiculous.

So I've bought two nice outfits, very cheaply, but both are too tight. My goal is to wear one in two and a half weeks for a special dinner, and the other in three+ weeks for Valentine's Day. I'm hoping a tight deadline will keep me eating right and exercising every day. Usually when traveling I'm not great about exercising, but tonight when I finally get back to the hotel I am going to break my usual pattern and go to the gym.

This past weekend was another mostly good, a little bit bad. I don't know what happens - we were having a great time, were driving along to a fun activity, and suddenly my mind started to race with the usual how could he have done/said the things he did/said? How can I trust him? How can we get past this? Can we? And in no time I'm teary and miserable. And he's miserable too.

Saturday driving in the car, with our daughter sleeping in the back, he said it wasn't lost on him what these next three weeks are - one year since the diagnosis of problems in my pregnancy and the loss of that pregnancy. A terrible, horrible, frightening, painful three weeks. The thing is, I don't actually think about it that much. I think about him saying I had to drive to see my parents by myself (with our daughter) because he didn't want to spend that much time alone with me. I think about him lying to me about his affair, when I had seen actual evidence. I think about him saying at every point of our marriage, and even before our marriage, he thought he could do better. I thought about the many times he said he just felt nothing for me. Nothing at all.

There's no room to think about a lost pregnancy, when I have to think about the future. Protecting me, protecting our daughter, keeping things together.

It's almost like he's finally grieving and experiencing the loss, where I've had losses and hurts since then that have been worse. It's hard to type things have been worse than my poor dead baby, but yeah, betrayal from the one person who is supposed to be my safe place, my soft place to fall, is worse. Cause that's what I've lost - my security that if/when bad things happen there's someone who will face those with me, will help me and I will help him.

So, anyway, he finally said, look, I love you, I love our daughter, I'm not going anyplace....

And I interrupted. Did he realize that's the first time since August he said anything about how he felt about me? And he didn't really respond.

Later in the day, once we were home, I said, look, it's really been bugging me that you haven't said anything about your feelings. Had your feelings for me come back? Had they not? Was he saving up telling me they had, or was he just being a dork and thinking he didn't need to say anything? And he said he was saving it up.

WTF? Saving it up for what?