Monday, January 14, 2008

ups and downs

Last time I wrote that recovery is not linear. And of course it's not. But there are times I wish it was.

We had a really good weekend. Really fun. Friday we went out for dinner and then caught up on some TIVOed shows. Sat we went to a local festival, then he took our daughter home for her afternoon nap and I went to clean out my office. Ugh. I just ran out of time/interest in doing it my last few days at that job, so there was a ton to do. I took 4 boxes home Saturday. Then we had friends over for dinner. Sunday we went to a museum to see a show and out for brunch, then once aagin I cleaned out my office while he went home for naptime. Sunday I brought home another 4 boxes. Ugh.

When I left my second to last job, I had been there 8 years, and brought home 10 boxes of stuff - boxes that are now in my spare bedroom, usually stashed in the attic. I swore I wouldn't gather that much crap again, but after only 3.5 years I had another 8 boxes! These weren't that full, though, only 1 was samples of things to keep, notebooks, binders, reports, etc. 1 was plants, another pictures, another office supplies (mine!). So once I have a new office and a new home office, it'll get sorted out fairly quickly. And then I can tackle the 10 boxes from that previous job!

Oh, speaking of, our new hardwood floors look great in our office. I'll post pics this week.

Anyway, so all in all, a great weekend - we were fairly affectionate, it was good. Normal. Oh, I hadn't typed that Thursday night we had an emotional discussion. Not based on my Thursday afternoon freak out. Well, it was brought on by that, but we didn't talk about that. I need a way to bring it up with him, but I'm not ready. Instead it was just a raw discussion of my sadness at his betrayal. Your typical how could you do it? How could you betray me in that way, and why don't you ever talk about it? It made him cry, and talk about how ashamed he was. He's transferred reporting authority over this girl to another person in his small company. And he's making lots of moves to leave his job, though he has a big deadline in March and he feels he can't leave the company until after they hit that deliverable.

I just wish he would tell me things more proactively, instead of me having to ask. He's not mentioned this girl at work once, so I had to ask what was going on and then it turns out she no longer reports to him. What couldn't he tell me he had done that? He insisted strongly that he was happy and wanted to work on our relationship and make it great. I'm also unhappy there's been no talk of love. We're not lovey dovey people, we rarely say we love each other as a normal course. Throughout the fall I kept insisting I loved him. He signed his Christmas card to me love. Bot other than that, nothing. And since one of the things that drives me crazy is that I always have to bring things up or say them first, I am holding back on this, and don't want to bring it up.

Anyway, I'm all over the place right now. OK, emotion-laden conversation Thursday night, great weekend. And then Sunday night suddenly I was just sad. Just froze up, feeling I don't know what. Insecure. Unattractive. Sad. Betrayed.

And I still feel that way. We actually made reservations for a nice lunch today, so that's coming up soon, and I want to enjoy it. I don't know how to find myself, center myself when these feelings of inadequacy/insecurity/betrayal come up. I don't know if I should talk about it, or exercise, or write here, or what. How to drive these thoughts out of my head. Or, live with them, process them, get past them.

I made an appointment with the fertility specialist. It's next week.

And I deleted the linked in invite.

Baby steps, I guess. Maybe instead of linear it's two steps forward, one step back. Four steps forward, 3 steps back, 10 steps forward, 2 steps back - as long as there is overall forward progress?

1 comment:

meg said...

Wh. Bx., I do think you are right. Progress is the thing you want, but it isn't necessarily linear. I know that one for sure. You just gotta keep working at it.

I'm glad you are going to the RE. Go see what they have to say.