Dammit. I really, really like my last post. A lot. It ties everything together, it has a point, it's dare I say a little bit profound. And it's only been up 18 hours or so, and I'm feeling compelled to post again. Yesterday was the wise post, the good day box checked. Today is the pit of despair, bad day posting.
I am taking a break from work and just clicked around a few blogs and read Tash's post over at Awful But Functioning. And it's set me off on a round of sobbing that I haven't experienced in oh, at least a couple of weeks. Wailing, sit on the floor clutching the tissue, curl up on the floor sobbing.
I want another baby. I desperately want another baby. I've not said so explicitly, but surely that's clear. And with my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, plus my shriveled up 39 year old defective egg producing when they were producing which now they're not ovaries, my fertility journey appears to be over.
And because of my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, I don't get any say in the matter. None. No chance to figure out what was going on with my ovaries and reproduction, no tests, no nothing. Just over. And that makes me so angry with him. It's the biggest thing for which I do not think forgiveness will come.
We haven't talked about it, of course. What's there to say? OK, so our relationship is completely fragile and two months ago you were fucking your 25 year old employee, so what say we try to figure out what's going on and get pregnant?
But because I'm 39, it's not like I leave him, meet someone and pop out another kid in the year or two. Odds of that happening are very low. And it certainly isn't in the best interests of my daughter.
I'm also 11 months post loss. A loss I mourn every day. And because of my husband, I have no plan, no direction, no journey from here.
I am so angry with him about this. So angry.
The week before I discovered his affair, I bought the Fertility Cure. And I had an appointment with my regular OB GYN. I sat in the waiting room for an hour, and in the appointment room for 30 minutes. When she finally came in, I explained how it had only been two months of trying, but I was certain I wasn't ovulating. She said, well, there are tests we can do here, but just make an appointment with a specialist because they'd run all the same tests anyway and no sense to repeat them good luck bye. 90 minutes waiting for something that could have been conveyed in 30 seconds over the phone, great, thanks.
My fertility journey never got to the stage of testing me. Starting in 2003, it was try for 6 months, test husband, fix his problem, early just one of those things miscarriage, healthy pregnancy and baby, easy third conception but turned out to be defective egg that resulted in loss, cessation of ovulation. nearly 5 years in one run on sentence. But, it means I don't even know what all those steps and things are.
I have been toying with asking this question on the blog. I am science-minded person, and I like to know things. Even given how pathetic my marriage is, would it help me to go to the fertility specialist and see if there's an answer? What if it's something simple? What if it's definitely over? Will knowing make it better or worse? Is it better to know, or not? What would you do?
22 hours ago