Thursday, January 10, 2008

the other side

Dammit. I really, really like my last post. A lot. It ties everything together, it has a point, it's dare I say a little bit profound. And it's only been up 18 hours or so, and I'm feeling compelled to post again. Yesterday was the wise post, the good day box checked. Today is the pit of despair, bad day posting.

I am taking a break from work and just clicked around a few blogs and read Tash's post over at Awful But Functioning. And it's set me off on a round of sobbing that I haven't experienced in oh, at least a couple of weeks. Wailing, sit on the floor clutching the tissue, curl up on the floor sobbing.

I want another baby. I desperately want another baby. I've not said so explicitly, but surely that's clear. And with my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, plus my shriveled up 39 year old defective egg producing when they were producing which now they're not ovaries, my fertility journey appears to be over.

And because of my goddamn fucking loser of a husband, I don't get any say in the matter. None. No chance to figure out what was going on with my ovaries and reproduction, no tests, no nothing. Just over. And that makes me so angry with him. It's the biggest thing for which I do not think forgiveness will come.

We haven't talked about it, of course. What's there to say? OK, so our relationship is completely fragile and two months ago you were fucking your 25 year old employee, so what say we try to figure out what's going on and get pregnant?

But because I'm 39, it's not like I leave him, meet someone and pop out another kid in the year or two. Odds of that happening are very low. And it certainly isn't in the best interests of my daughter.

I'm also 11 months post loss. A loss I mourn every day. And because of my husband, I have no plan, no direction, no journey from here.

I am so angry with him about this. So angry.

The week before I discovered his affair, I bought the Fertility Cure. And I had an appointment with my regular OB GYN. I sat in the waiting room for an hour, and in the appointment room for 30 minutes. When she finally came in, I explained how it had only been two months of trying, but I was certain I wasn't ovulating. She said, well, there are tests we can do here, but just make an appointment with a specialist because they'd run all the same tests anyway and no sense to repeat them good luck bye. 90 minutes waiting for something that could have been conveyed in 30 seconds over the phone, great, thanks.

My fertility journey never got to the stage of testing me. Starting in 2003, it was try for 6 months, test husband, fix his problem, early just one of those things miscarriage, healthy pregnancy and baby, easy third conception but turned out to be defective egg that resulted in loss, cessation of ovulation. nearly 5 years in one run on sentence. But, it means I don't even know what all those steps and things are.

I have been toying with asking this question on the blog. I am science-minded person, and I like to know things. Even given how pathetic my marriage is, would it help me to go to the fertility specialist and see if there's an answer? What if it's something simple? What if it's definitely over? Will knowing make it better or worse? Is it better to know, or not? What would you do?


Trish said...

Read the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," by toni weschler. It's never over, IMO. But the question is, do you think this is the right time to bring another child into your fragile family? How can you discuss post nups and new babies in the same breath? You need time to heal. You can have children well into your 40s. Not ideal, but still possible. I just wonder if it would make your husband's fears and obvious commitmentphobia worse, by being given MORE responsibility, when he clearly can't handle that which he already has. Take your time and it will happen when it should....

Tash said...

Sorry, feeling rather responsible for this! (hug) It does suck to do absolutely . . . . nothing. In my case, I'm not really sure I *want* another child, but even that decision depends on a few more pieces coming in, and a few meetings about my body.

While I agree with the above poster that now is probably not the best time and could trigger worse stuff, I'm not opposed to taking some proactive steps to find out where you stand because it's your body. Are you temping -- are you *sure* you're not ovulating? Also, ovulation might slow down at this age (hahaha), and STRESS can also produce some breaks. You may not be an optimal candidate at OUR age, but you might also ask about egg banking. Then, regardless of what hapens, you could have a reasonable back up. I wish there was someone who would just step out and close the curtain for us and say, "That's all folks!" so we could have a good cry and get on with it.

Anonymous said...

Seek. The. Answer. IMO, and from my experience of loss, it's always better to know. (Although sometimes you can't have all the answers, admittedly. But you can try.) You have enough unanswered questions in other parts of your life. And not knowing can drive you crazy. The thing is, you may not find the answers overnight. You're probably not going to get pregnant tomorrow. So why not work on figuring out the fertility options while you are trying to heal your marriage? Best case scenario, it's a simple fix, you make great strides in repairing the relationship and you are ready to go in a few months. If you think your husband would feel pressured by your search, then don't give him any details. Just let him know you need to know for your own sanity, and if he feels too pressured to hear about every test, that is okay. If the fertility doesn't work out, you can start thinking about other ways to be a parent. Because if you really want another baby, you will find a way to be a mom again, whether it's through an egg donor, adoption or another way. Anything is can make this happen.

Which Box said...

Kelly, thanks, I appreciate it.

I thought I made it clear, but I didn't say it explicitly. I'm not seeking to be pregnant right now, given the state our my relationship. That is the disconnect - I desperately want to be trying, but his issues prevent that from happening. I'll freely admit a part of me hopes it is in my future. But most of me thinks it is not. I'm not willing to temp chart right now - anything I do I need to do privately. Not to "hide" from my husband, necessarily, but because it's too emotional/makes me feel too vulnerable to share this part of my heartache with him. I don't know if that makes sense, not explaining it well.

And Tash, it's been building. Your post - defining that stuck moment - just pulled it to the surface.

niobe said...

I'll take the opposite view here. I understand the strong arguments for not wanting to jeopardize your marriage's recovery by trying to get pregnant.

On the other hand, if what you *really* want is another baby, I think you should strongly consider pursuing that dream.

As you know, there are no guarantees, and, it's possible that you will decide in the next few months or years that you no longer want to be with your husband. Or you might wait until your marriage is stabilized and then find that it's no longer possible for you to have a baby. (many woman remain fertile into their early to mid-forties, but certainly not everyone does).

I guess it's a question of priorities. Suppose, hypothetically, you knew could only have one or the other -- your marriage or another baby -- which would you choose?

Which Box said...

Niobe, this is a great question. I actually said to my husband weeks ago I would take another baby over him every single day, no two ways about it. Had I ended up pregnant in November, I had decided I was going to drop all contact with him - just walk away, and he could follow me or not, his choice.

Single parenthood is terrifying, no two ways about it. Hard, hard hard, with lots of personal sacrifice. But the payoff seems worth it.

In all, I'm leaning strongly toward seeking answers I can get myself for myself. For me, having defined options/answers is better than endlessly speculating and fretting.

meg said...

Go to the RE. I would. I think Niobe has is right on this one. And I found Tash's post really stuck with me too. This stuff is just so freaking hard.

Antigone said...

I lean pragmatic. I don't have any (living) children yet. I think I'd have my husband inseminate me if we were a few more years down this road and I didn't have much confidence in the permanence or health of the marriage itself. At least you'll know the genes are good and you'll get to be the bio-mom.