Friday, November 23, 2007

Black Friday

So my sister and I did venture out this morning, around 6:30. Got a few bargains, including a portable DVD player for the car. As with so many people, I swore that wouldn't be me, but this drive is brutal for me and my daughter. If a DVD will help, I'm all for it.

Not as sad as yesterday, though it's still there.

I've mentioned before my husband and I read His Needs, Her Needs and my husband has brought up many of the points from that book. He feels his needs aren't being met in 4 areas - sex, my appearance, taking care of the house, and appreciating him. Not enough sex, too much weight, not keeping up my end of house duties, and being hard him, not appreciating all he does. I can't argue with him on any of those points. He's right in many ways. (of course, it's not like he meets many of my needs either - but I'm not as critical as he thinks I am).

And being here in some ways makes me feel worse about my role in the dissolution of our marriage. My family is laid back. Very laid back. And my dad trends strongly toward hoarding. They have a two car garage so stuffed with junk that there's only a narrow little path to walk through. The house is not very clean, nor kept up. My parents are overweight - not morbidly obese, but overweight. Everyone has spent the past three days watching too much TV. They're great people, don't get me wrong. Just....I don't know. I'm trying to paint the right picture, and it's not easy. Middle America isn't right. Not up to pottery barn standards, whatever that means. I should post pics, but yeah, it's embarrassing. Not really the way I want to be. Usually whenever I go home from here there's a frenzy of me cleaning and throwing things out, in reaction. Interesting, my brother is totally opposite. He's fit, and exercises, and throws things out obsessively. A counselor once said to me, he's as obsessive about stuff as the rest of you, he's just the other side of the coin, reacting extremely the opposite way of how we grew up.

And so everything my husband is criticizing about me is here, magnified. Every time he's said he knows I can't change, he's right. I'm not as far down the road as my family, but yeah. This is me. The me I don't want to be. I want to be fit, and hae a beautiful house, and love my husband uncritically.

I talked to him twice yesterday. The first time in the morning, and I just couldn't help sobbing. We were talking about our daughter and her tough time sleeping here, calling for him. He said he missed her. And he paused and said he missed us, both of us. And part of me takes a small measure of hope from that, and the vast majority of my rational brain is so trying to stamp that out. There is no hope. There is only this.

1 comment:

The Scarlet D said...

Oh, Which Box, can I just say once again that I've walked in your shoes? Please don't wear the stuff that your husband is trying to put on you. My husband did the same thing to me 2 years ago with the previous affair - he gave me a long list of how I wasn't meeting this need or that need, and I felt so ashamed and terrible about what a lousy wife I was, all the while never dealing with the fact that none of my needs were being met, either. He even told me I was selfish! (Which I've since learned is one of the most hurtful things you can say to a co-dependent.) But I have a very dear friend who explains it this way: with two empty, broken people, nobody is going to be able to meet anyone's needs. So one of you has to get your eyes off the other and get yourself well. Take him off the throne of your life and learn to love yourself (and it helps if your are religious and can place God there instead).

So that's what I did for the next 2 years. Then guess what? He finally figured out that the problem wasn't ME and all my shortcomings. It was him. So now, even though I'm still in this hellish mess, I know it's not because I was "too this" or "too that", and I can start over (if I have to) as emotionally healthy as possible, knowing that I will never put another human on the throne again, because they are just human, as am I.

Does that make sense? Sorry to rattle on so, but I see you exactly as I was two years ago, and I've walked far enough since then to have a little bit more peace about the disaster that is my life now. I want you to be able to experience that peace as well.