Sunday, November 4, 2007

daily posting

Wow, so daily posting. On the one hand, I need the release daily and even multiple times a day. On the other hand, suddenly there's a lot of pressure.

Things have been happening more quickly than I can post, I have some ideas of things I'd like to talk about, and there's a whole lot of backstory to relate. Like, oh, I don't know, the grief and loss that brought me to this place to begin with. And I have new ideas all the time. Everything just seems to focus in so quickly on the crisis at hand. Not surprising, but I fear potentially boring. Constant angst and moaning from me as a doormat (will he, won't he, he loves me he loves me not) won't pull in the readers!

Maybe that's what's so therapeutic about writing. If I write every day "I'm so miserable curled up in the fetal position examining my navel" - well, who's going to stick around for that? So part of learning my voice is learning how to convey the latest, in ways that are both interesting and informative. And, therapeutic for me.

So, back to the navel gazing:
My husband is giving our daughter a bath right now. She has missed him, and so clearly wants us both at the same time. People say, don't worry, she won't even remember you two ever lived together. And that's true, I agree, for the most part, but there's clearly a transition to a new normal, and I have to believe there's a latent sense of abandonment.

My husband is being careful to tell me where he is and what he's doing. On Friday night he told me he and his girl had switched back to a professional relationship only. He had things to work on, she had a life to live. I believed that initially, but doubt has crept in.

My sincere hope is that she has a group of friends who are saying things to her like are you CRAZY?! Someone must be saying, who the heck gets involved with a married man, there's nothing but heartache ahead, and a mess you DO NOT want to deal with. I sincerely hope she's got decent self-esteem, and enough self respect to realize she could be doing a lot better than what someone 13 years her senior, her boss, a married man, and a child to boot, would have to offer. And, if she has high self esteem and a healthy self respect, I pray she cares about her career and doesn't want to establish a reputation at such a young age.

My only regret from calling her is that I did not say, "boy, I bet your parents are so proud of you!" dripping with sarcasm, of course.

So, these mythical friends of hers, I hope you are taking her out every night, partying hard, meeting all sorts of age appropriate, studly, fun guys.

GOD, I hope she has some friends.


Am I doing okay? said...

Hey. I bookmarked your blog. After landing on it from the NaBloPoMo Randomizer. I'm reading your posts. You officially have a fan! Read ya tomorrow.

ps - if I search through old post will I find one about when you called the Tootsie?

Kathy said...

I found you through Y's comments also. I think it takes amazing strength to be where you are right now. I really have nothing at all helpful to say I just wanted to let you know that someone else was out here listening to what you had to say. Also I love that you called her. I think she should know what she is doing has an effect on people other people.

sasha said...

Hey there~
I followed you over from your haiku on Looky Daddy.

I'm sorry it's sucking right now.

Trish said...

I'm not nearly as nice as your other readers. LOL.

You want your husband back. Why, I will never understand. He broke the most important vow he ever made. But if you're going to get him back, it won't be by being so understanding. He seems to be more turned on by something that's forbidden or unattainable. And right now, you seem to be too available and easy going. Get mad. Really mad. You're fully entitled. And start getting on with your life. The minute you do, he'll be barking at your door. Never fails.

suchsimplepleasures said...

i'm with trish (whose blog i randomized and then found yours). i have a good friend who is in the same boat as you. she found out that her husband had been cheating on her, with the same woman, for 5 out of the 7 years that they have been married. she stays. why? how can you ever trust this person again. love? respect? how can you get any of those back? i am so sorry for you, that you are going through this. i don't understand how anyone can stay with a man (or woman) who has betrayed you like this but, i am not judging...just not understanding. i wish you the best of luck and strength. like i told my friend, one day you will wake up and know what needs to be done.
take care of yourself and that little kid!!!!!

meg said...

You can say whatever you want, in whatever way you want. Write for yourself. And you know what, people will read! You're going through a brutally hard time and all anyone online wants to do is be a support, for you. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Found your bolg through Y's comments. Im sorry for what your going through, but hang in there. I admire your courage to put it out there knowing he-who-will-not-be-named may read it.

Anonymous said...

Hey im not anonymous. Names Angela, ive just never left a comment on any blog before so im a newbie at this. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

I, too, found you through your haiku on "Looky Daddy", and I am in the same crappy boat. Mine is on his 3rd strike with emotional affairs on the internet. Don't you think it's 3rd strike and you're out by now? I just found out tonight and I'm so nauseated I'm about to puke. I'm bookmarking you, just to read and know I'm not alone.

Which Box said...

Thanks everyone. I will address soon why I want to try to work things out.

Anonymous, please feel free to e-mail me at any time. I am sorry you are going through this too. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. I walked around for about 2 weeks with that constant feeling I was about to be ill. Never did, though.