Thursday, November 15, 2007


So, my parents called this morning. Kind of scared me. We're fairly independent, and my parents almost never call, and certainly never at 8:30 am.

My mom was on the phone and said, can I talk to [husband]? Oh, I said, in relief, sure (thinking it was a computer call, he's the resident computer expert). So I track him down and hand him the phone, and then I hear him say, oh, your daughter is the expert on baked ziti.

Backstory - my husband is half Italian. So, in our cooking split, he always made the baked ziti. But also always complained it wasn't as good as his mom's and brother's. So this past spring, I asked his mom and brother how they made it, and learned their tricks. And after my first attempt, my husband said the job was now mine, and I've made it ever since.

So, anyway, he spent 15 minutes talking to my parents, giving them my recipe (except not quite right), asking how my dad was, chitchatting with my mom, before finally handing the phone over and leaving for work.


So we exchanged a couple of e-mails today, where he again indicated he might want to go for Thanksgiving, and said he enjoyed talking to my parents.

He worked late tonight (legitimate, I think) and got home in time for the fun part of putting our daughter to bed (story and prayers). And then walked into our room after me. To talk about Thanksgiving. He wanted to go because he felt he might be able to help, but yeah, did not want to spend 7 hours alone with me in the car, and another 10 with me and my sister. The thing between us was between us, not between him and my family. I just asked him questions - why did he want to go? Why didn't he want to go? When could he go?

And he finally said, well, that's it, I won't go.

He is conflicted. But not about leaving me. About people knowing he is leaving me. He's always been a "good guy." My mom has told me on more than one occasion that I chose well. He appears to be a fine, upstanding man. And clearly, right now, he's not. But he doesn't want anyone to know that. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I don't know what to do about that. But I think it's good that he doesn't go. I think (I know) I need this time with my family. I need a week of freedom, and of support.

Even now, though, what I want is for him to come back upstairs and say, I want to go.

My counselor today said it was good I was starting to get angry. And I wanted to get angry with him - are you kidding me? You only want to go so you're not the bad guy, you can try to preserve your reputation, and prevent me from gaining any support that I badly need. But I couldn't. I'm too sad and tired.


The Scarlet D said...

I am so, so sorry, and I want you to know I understand exactly how you feel. My husband (?) left me and our two children (ages 8 and 6) last Saturday after 13 years of what was apparently a facade of a marriage. This is his 3rd internet romance (that I know of), and he has moved into an apartment so he can "figure out who he is" apart from me. Right. He, too, has always been the "nice guy", and we live in a close-knit community of friends and church/school acquaintences who are all horrified as word is spreading about what he has done. I have to admit that I was afraid that people would think "Boy, she must be a real bitch if he wouldn't at least stay for the kids!", but overwhelmingly people are coming by my side and calling it for what it is: wrong, cheating, abandonment, sin - you name it. And boy is he getting miserable. He looks like he's been run over by a truck, and it's finally sinking in - this "choice" that he has made to tear our family apart.

I would like to give you this unasked for piece of advice. Let yourself get angry, imagine yourself surviving without him, and quit trying to protect him from the possible consequences of his actions. I often feel like I am dealing with a rebellious 13 year old, and in some ways I am. He will ultimately make his own choice, and he will have to suffer for it. It's so hard to hear, but it's painfully simple once you think about it.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Kathy said...

Wow. HE doesn't want to seem like the ass that he clearly is. HE doesn't want poeple to know what he is doing to his family. How sad for him. HE wants to make the decision to leave but doesn't have the balls to deal with the fallout. It's nice the way the whole thing revolves around HIM. I am sorry you are in the middle of this. I wish there was something to say to make it easier for you and your daughter. The sad truth is that there isn't. It may take a long time to work through this but you will. Hopefully getting mad about the whole thing will help take away his power to cause you any new pain.

niobe said...

I can pretty much never get angry, even when everyone's telling me I *should.*

I still think you should pretty much just stop talking with him for the time being. But I know that's easy for me to say. And I won't say it again.