Tuesday, November 13, 2007

breaking

OK. I'm at work. Got here about 30 minutes ago, from our joint counseling session.

He is done. Wants out, and wants out now. Refuses to work on things, just done.

I guess it's starting to break through to me that my marriage might really be over. I've been, I don't know, in denial? Disbelief?

I seriously can't process what is happening. That it might be over. I almost typed IS over, and couldn't bring myself to. I still don't believe it.

I feel frozen right now.

He gave me a ride after the session. As I was nearing my destination, he said, ok, look, I found a place I like. It's 2 suburbs over. Probably 30 minutes away. I asked how much - a lot. I asked what about lease. He said 6 months, or 10 months, or a year.

One of the things we talked about in the counseling session was that I was having a problem with where he was looking for apartments. That it was too far away to be a practical support for my daughter and me. He felt I was dictating his choice, and he wanted to make his own choices. Our counselor asked him to put himself in my shoes, understand why I wanted a say in his choice, and, if he could, be compassionate and make a compromise choice that kept into account my feelings. That made him angry.

So as I'm getting out of the car he tells me this choice. And it's just frozen me. I'm numb, close to shaking, and stuck. Should I slip out of work and go home? Can I put this aside and get something done? Can I function?

Tonight I need to talk to him about this. I need to say, walk me through what a day/a week would look like in your new place. When would you come over? When would you watch our daughter? When would you work on our house? Maybe if we can logically work through this, it'll make sense.

I want him to live close. Maybe it's too close. I think he has responsibilities he'd be shirking if he signed a lease so far away. I want him to sublet a place for a few months, not make any permanent decisions. That seems so logical to me.

I am so not in the realm of logic anymore.

8 comments:

Leah said...

I know I don't know you or the whole situation, but after this post I feel like I should send some "tough love", if I was in the same situation I would hope someone would do it for me and believe me someone would. Your husband is to selfish right now to consider yours and your daughters needs first. He is going to take space from this relationship no matter what you do. It has not helped that he has been giving mixed signals however he is no longer doing that. Don't hold your breath about him coming to fix the house, it doesn't sound like he will do it. Unfortunately you are going to have to give him space whether you want to or not. You now need to switch your focus to your daughter solely, if the new job prospect is going to take you away from her I don't think it would be a good idea at this time, also you are probably not in a frame of mind to start anything new. Maybe your marriage will work out once you both have space from it. Maybe your husband is so selfish that it won't. Sorry for the tough love but I hope it helps in some way. I will continue to pray for you.

Cate said...

I found your blog from a comment on Y's. I've read the whole story here and I have to agree with Leah. Your husband wants to "check out" for a while and unfortunately, you can't force him not to. You have to give him the space he's taking. You've given over all of your power to him by trying so desperately to keep him close and it looks like (from the outside) that it's driving him away. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Focus on what you have control over. Show him that you're strong enough to do this (YOU ARE!) and make him wish he'd never taken this path. Chin up!!

Which Box said...

thanks. I know I need the tough love. I just can't face this, though
I know I have to.

Cate said...

Somebody told me once that when we have children, you're no longer allowed to say that you "just can't". See, you have to get up and get on and teach this lesson to your daughter. Sure, she's too young now but in reflection, many years from now, she needs to see how her Momma rose up. Doesn't mean it's going to be any easier but somehow, find a way to see it from that perspective and it might, just might help you get through.

Louise said...

WB, I am not going to repeat what the above commenters said, although I basically agree. All I'm going to say is that I am sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this, and that I hope that things get much better for you, soon.

The Yak said...

My reaction, being a child of a very bitter divorce, is to accept the reality of the split and try to get your husband to focus his time and energy, not on you, but your daughter. The worst part about divorce is the effect it has on the kids. It's so important for your daughter to know that you both love her and want to spend time with her, that this is not her fault, and that you and your husband respect each other (even if you don't, fake it -- do NOT badmouth each other to her). Just my two cents.

Am I doing okay? said...

Has anyone told you to do something REALLY nice for yourself?!? I know it is hard to even think about, much less execute. But I wish for you to take your daughter and go straight to someplace you've always wanted to go: Disney, Hawaii, Macy's parade. Just go and worry about all the other stuff that will still be there when you get back.

I also fancy dark movie theatres when I want a 2 hr. escape.

niobe said...

Looks like everyone has already said pretty much what I was going to say.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's just going to do whatever he feels like at the moment, regardless of its impact on everyone else. The more you fight him about how unfair and selfish he's being, the more he'll dig in his heels.

If I were you (and obviously, I'm not and you may feel differently), I would just stop talking to him about his schedule or when he would come over. Don't even ask about it. When he says that he's decided to do X, Y and Z (all of which are ridiculous decisions), just say "Okay."

Is there any way you could take some time off from work -- maybe even just a long weekend -- and go out of town to visit friends or family? And don't talk to your husband at all while you're gone. Anything to get away from your husband, who's clearly (intentionally or not) going to create as much chaos in your life as possible.