screwing up

One of the hardest things about navigating a crisis is figuring out what to do. What's the right thing to do to try and improve the situation, and what might screw things up?

Well, it looks like I've screwed up.

My husband is on a business trip, so I thought I'd send him a light hearted e-mail every morning - a picture from the past, a quote, a story. I decided on Tuesday to send him something sexy. My hope was that it would stir him, and when he came back he'd want me physically.

We follow, roughly, the His Needs, Her Needs philosophy of marriage. It's helped us in the past understand how things were going, and I've also used the Marriage Builders site.

One of the hardest things is to let go. Let things be and unfold as they will. I push too hard, too fast. Living in uncertainty is hard on me.

So I pushed, with a sexy e-mail reminding him of a past encounter, and talking about my fantasy life - my fantasy life I don't share with him. Why? Because I'm shy. Because he over analyzes things. Because fantasies are fantasies and not what I want in reality, and that's a subtle point. Sharing fantasies can probably be great, but if the person you share with takes the fantasy as the end all be all, then it's too much. I made some other mistakes - a fantasy from a year ago. Shedding light on something that happened over a year ago, that had (it turns out) puzzled him.

Seriously, I thought he might be turned on, and when he got back Thursday night I was hoping for some powerful, forceful sex. (Not forceful as in forcing, against anyone's will, but the pure fantasy of being taken by a strong man).

Instead, it enraged him. I got back two e-mails just eviscerating me, our so called relationship, our lack of communication, how I shot down any and all talk of sex. "Thanks for sharing over a year later. Does a lot of fucking good now. Enough already. Stop it with the pictures and e-mails. You're only making it worse." There was worse, but that pretty much sums it up.

I hate screwing up. The stakes are high, and every step backward is another one closer to the edge. I'm not ready for the edge yet.

In August, we were plotting how we could buy a vacation house. In September, we were trying to get pregnant. In October this all exploded. I need to slow down, have strength, and just work through this at a reasonable pace.

So in addition to an apology, I also sent him a Pearls Before Swine comic. I had meant to do it last week, so just went for it. I have a reception tonight for work (advisory committee meeting), and our nanny will watch our daughter for dinner. So he can call and not have to talk to me tonight. And I can have a nice glass of wine, and have some of the old farts on this committee pretend to flirt with me tonight, and I can feel smart and pretend I am desirable.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I need a day off.