Friday, November 16, 2007

Corporate baloney

The president of my current company every once in a while brings in some management consultant or another for training.

Generally, I'm kind of geeky and enjoy learning these management theories and examples. I have friends who do this professionally and I think they are very smart. I didn't like the last guy.

We had a long talk about words we use. And now on the banned list are:


I forget what the deal is with should, something about placing too much guilt (you should have done this or that, something like that). But negates everything that came before it. And in the words of the timeless Yoda, there is no try, there is only do.

So fine, whatever.

I know that I should withdraw from my husband, but I can't, but I'm going to try.

What words are verboten for you?

And now for the navel gazing. I can't decide what kind of blog this is - a diary, or a musings. I tried to keep it at musings with what's written above, but I feel compelled to diary the latest:

I know. I know, I know. The draw is so powerful, it is nearly impossible for me to stay away. I am fighting every cell is my body that is urging me to call him right now and see if we could get drinks after work.

I crawled into bed with him last night, just craving some companionship (no sex, though I'm still interested, dammit). We caught up on his family and his work. I asked if he just didn't want to be the bad guy and he said that wasn't it. And I turned onto my right, and he was on his right, and he put his arm around me (though over the covers) for a brief while. Semi-cuddling, though bodies not touching. A facsimile of how we always sleep. I stayed like that for a few minutes, and summoning up every ounce of resolve I have I broke away and went to my (our) room. And burst into tears. And hoped he would hear and come. I don't know if he heard. He didn't come.

1 comment:

The Scarlet D said...

Oh, I can so feel the pain in your post, and I am so sorry for you. I have been where you are so many times. And all I can say for you is that I'm proud of you for pulling away, and then this: I used to go and cry, too, and my husband would come, but it was completely out of obligation and guilt, not out of love or respect for me. Now here we are, years later, and he's gone, telling me how he's "wanted out for 5 years," and I'm wishing that he'd had the guts to do it to me then instead of wasting all this time. Now I'm nearly 40 years old, my children are old enough to really understand what is going on, and I'm regretting that I didn't see it before. At least your husband is being honest.

I hope this isn't even more depressing to you. You had asked me on my blog if I was done, and I think I'm preparing myself for the end because of this reason. Once the truth has been exposed, now he can never put the mask back on to where I'll believe it again.

I know you are at a different place, with a glimmer of hope left, so I will hope with you for reconciliation from now on, o.k.? Hang in there, but guard your tender heart.