Making it through each day is hard. I'm not great with uncertainty.
I called DH when I knew he'd be at the airport. I'd had an anxious day, and couldn't take another second of uncertainty - would he arrive home, help put our daughter to bed, pack his bag and walk out the door without a word? He had sent me a brief apology for his e-mail, were we still in status quo?
He answered cheerfully and we chitchatted about his trip and his flights home. I paused, and asked what his plans were for the night. He said he'd be home, and he had no plans Friday nor Saturday. I paused again and said, you must know after the e-mails I have no idea what to expect. He said he could say the same thing.
He said after sending me the most hurtful, mean e-mail, and then not talking to me, he had no idea what I was thinking, either.
Once he arrived home and we put our daughter to bed, we talked briefly. We had dinner plans with a friend of his on Saturday and he said he'd cancel them, or just go alone with our daughter. I said, is it so terrible to go to dinner with me? Would that be so bad? And he said not. So, maybe that is still on.
We kissed goodnight, and I know he felt something (physical, not emotional) for me. I wanted him to stay in our room, but he didn't.
Last night was the worst sleep I've had all week. It's hard to have him down the hall. I want things to resolve - I want my husband back. I want to cuddle up in bed on a cold night.
This morning, I said let's do something tonight - have a drink after work? Plan to watch Tivo-ed shows? He was noncommital. A few minutes later he said he'd go out alone Saturday night.
What the hell. I told him I wasn't his baby sitter, and if he needed a babysitter he should hire one.
Half step forward, two steps back.
Last week when we talked he said it was like he was behind a block of ice, and didn't know how to thaw it. It's not a great metaphor. To me, it feels like he's behind a closed door. Just OPEN the damn door already. Just open it.
I know it's not that simple.
But then, when I left this morning, we kissed goodbye. Passionately.
Who knows what tonight will bring.
17 hours ago