Friday, November 9, 2007

each day

Making it through each day is hard. I'm not great with uncertainty.

I called DH when I knew he'd be at the airport. I'd had an anxious day, and couldn't take another second of uncertainty - would he arrive home, help put our daughter to bed, pack his bag and walk out the door without a word? He had sent me a brief apology for his e-mail, were we still in status quo?

He answered cheerfully and we chitchatted about his trip and his flights home. I paused, and asked what his plans were for the night. He said he'd be home, and he had no plans Friday nor Saturday. I paused again and said, you must know after the e-mails I have no idea what to expect. He said he could say the same thing.

Um, what?

He said after sending me the most hurtful, mean e-mail, and then not talking to me, he had no idea what I was thinking, either.

Once he arrived home and we put our daughter to bed, we talked briefly. We had dinner plans with a friend of his on Saturday and he said he'd cancel them, or just go alone with our daughter. I said, is it so terrible to go to dinner with me? Would that be so bad? And he said not. So, maybe that is still on.

We kissed goodnight, and I know he felt something (physical, not emotional) for me. I wanted him to stay in our room, but he didn't.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had all week. It's hard to have him down the hall. I want things to resolve - I want my husband back. I want to cuddle up in bed on a cold night.

This morning, I said let's do something tonight - have a drink after work? Plan to watch Tivo-ed shows? He was noncommital. A few minutes later he said he'd go out alone Saturday night.

What the hell. I told him I wasn't his baby sitter, and if he needed a babysitter he should hire one.

Half step forward, two steps back.

Last week when we talked he said it was like he was behind a block of ice, and didn't know how to thaw it. It's not a great metaphor. To me, it feels like he's behind a closed door. Just OPEN the damn door already. Just open it.

I know it's not that simple.

But then, when I left this morning, we kissed goodbye. Passionately.

Who knows what tonight will bring.


niobe said...

Do you have a plan for what you'll do if he decides to go out Saturday night either alone or "alone?" Or do you think he won't follow through?

meg said...

This is just such a roller coaster ride. The not knowing would drive me insane. You, on the other hand, seem to be doing a very good job of navigating the whole thing. It certainly cannot be easy though.

Which Box said...

I do not have a plan for Saturday - right now I think he won't follow through, but I also know he needs some space. It really is a roller coaster - much like Space Mountain, it's in the dark with no ability to predict the twists and turns ahead.

angie said...

I just wanted to say that I admire your courage and honesty. My only advice ( I know you didnt ask for it) is stay true to yourself, always be honest with yourself. My grandmother once said that "What looks good to you is not always good for you."