I can't take much more of this.
I met with my counselor today, and though I was crying quite a bit, she said, you are a strong person. Maybe they say that to everyone? I know I am strong person. I'm just so, so tired right now. I want my life back.
So, it's a bit confusing - my husband and I had a counselor for us jointly to work through issues of loss. She's now our marriage counselor, and she's also his counselor. And so I am going to a brand new person, who has partnered with our counselor before. She seemed ok, though of course nothing was "fixed" in the 55 minutes I was there, not that it could have been. We have given the two counselors permission to speak to each other, and she did tell me that husband's counselor is shocked at how firm my husband is on not even trying.
That's the part I just do not get. I cannot comprehend not giving it one last real try.
Part of me, knowing him as I do, knows he has his back up a bit and won't be forced into anything. He's set his mind on separating, so we're gonig to separate. I think he needs to see how that is, and I suppose there's a slight chance that if it's not working, or he misses me, or misses our girl, he'll then be willing to try. I'm prepping myself more and more for the eventuality of divorce.
He told me today he thought I was crazy to not take the job. I want to say, ok, you can abandon your daughter, but I can't. And that's the thing. I think she'll need me around MORE, not less. I am so unsure what to do. And once she starts school it's not like she can travel with me. I really do wonder if he thinks he'll have more access to her if I take this job. That's got to be part of his calculus.
He's off to a concert tonight. I had never planned to go, but always have been jealous he is going. I keep thinking about calling him and seeing if he would be willing to grab a drink pre-concert, but I think he would say no. I need to not be so grasping, trying to force him.
I know I need to let go. And maybe he will come back, and maybe - probably - he won't. Letting go - when every instinct you have is to FIGHT - is the hardest thing in the world. Especially when you are so tired.
4 days ago