Thursday, November 1, 2007

so tired

I can't take much more of this.

I met with my counselor today, and though I was crying quite a bit, she said, you are a strong person. Maybe they say that to everyone? I know I am strong person. I'm just so, so tired right now. I want my life back.

So, it's a bit confusing - my husband and I had a counselor for us jointly to work through issues of loss. She's now our marriage counselor, and she's also his counselor. And so I am going to a brand new person, who has partnered with our counselor before. She seemed ok, though of course nothing was "fixed" in the 55 minutes I was there, not that it could have been. We have given the two counselors permission to speak to each other, and she did tell me that husband's counselor is shocked at how firm my husband is on not even trying.

That's the part I just do not get. I cannot comprehend not giving it one last real try.

Part of me, knowing him as I do, knows he has his back up a bit and won't be forced into anything. He's set his mind on separating, so we're gonig to separate. I think he needs to see how that is, and I suppose there's a slight chance that if it's not working, or he misses me, or misses our girl, he'll then be willing to try. I'm prepping myself more and more for the eventuality of divorce.

He told me today he thought I was crazy to not take the job. I want to say, ok, you can abandon your daughter, but I can't. And that's the thing. I think she'll need me around MORE, not less. I am so unsure what to do. And once she starts school it's not like she can travel with me. I really do wonder if he thinks he'll have more access to her if I take this job. That's got to be part of his calculus.

He's off to a concert tonight. I had never planned to go, but always have been jealous he is going. I keep thinking about calling him and seeing if he would be willing to grab a drink pre-concert, but I think he would say no. I need to not be so grasping, trying to force him.

I know I need to let go. And maybe he will come back, and maybe - probably - he won't. Letting go - when every instinct you have is to FIGHT - is the hardest thing in the world. Especially when you are so tired.


meg said...

"Letting go - when every instinct you have is to FIGHT - is the hardest thing in the world. Especially when you are so tired."

This is exactly where I'm at right now. I know it's a different situation, but I do know how this particular feeling. Hope things feel a little better soon. I so know how tall an order that is. But I still hope it.

Sauntering Soul said...

Which Box, I'm here via your comment on Y's blog. I've read your last few posts and I am so sorry for what you're going through.

I hope I don't overstep my bounds saying all of this since I'm a total stranger. My divorce was final about 3 1/2 years ago and I guess all I can tell you is that things do get better. And I know you don't want to hear that because I had friends telling me that all the time and I wanted to shout at them "NO, THEY WON'T GET BETTER. I WILL NEVER FEEL HAPPY AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!"

My circumstances were much different than yours, but each day will get a tiny bit easier. I won't lie - it's not a super quick process and it's certainly not an easy one. But then one day you'll catch yourself smiling about something and then one day you'll find yourself laughing about something and you'll realize you're beginning to heal.

After that, you'll start finding yourself again, you'll become stronger, more independent, and you'll wake up one morning and think to yourself "this divorce stuff is okay and I actually feel a little bit happy today".

My parents are in the midst of a divorce after 33 years of marriage. The divorce isn't final yet but I can already begin to see my mom getting better.

If you haven't read Crazy Aunt Purl's blog, check it out too. She went through a painful divorce and the growth she has undergone is amazing and inspiring if you have time to read through her archives.

Take care and know that even "strangers" out here are offering hugs.

Juliness said...

Oh wow! So much of what you posted hit home with me. I second what Sauntering Soul has said and am sending you big, BIG hugs from the divorced and infertile lands.

You are NOT alone.