I can't remember how I got interested in blogging. It was definitely a couple of years ago, but what I visited and what I read - I can't tell you.
Til, somehow, I discovered Amalah. OMG. It's hard to even type a description, since probably everyone knows her, and she's such an amazing blogging overlord and all, while I am a pale, quaking pre-schooler compared to her uber-awesomeness.
And from Amalah, I found Joy Unexpected. Y is real, and raw, and so freaking hilarious I have almost made the sweet pee-pee in my pants reading her. Shit - I am trying to find the sweet pee-pee entry which is one of my most favorite things ever, too damn funny. The dance off will have to do.
I've mentioned I'm dealing with pregnancy loss. I'm not sure how, but I found Niobe at DeadBabyJokes. Her sparse, polished, perfectly elegant writing style again humbles me. For pure writer-ly-ness (intentional crappy writing) she's an inspiration. I love how she shows only pieces of herself, and yet how if you've read everything, the pieces are coming together. But there are still so many unanswered questions. I could almost be a weird blog stalker of Niobe, so I try not to think about it too much.
And finally, Meg from The.Para.Graph. I found her through Niobe, and was captivated from word 1. I wish I had started reading her as her latest journey began, so that I could have been there for her throughout. Instead, I found her as she has again started on an all too familiar, though brutally original journey. My heart aches for her, and I consider her to be one of the strongest people I've never met. Sometimes people say to me they don't know how I'm holding it together (not well). I draw strength from people who are writing real, true words about their own personal lives.
I hope I can bring the same honesty to this. And have something to say that speaks to someone.
And now back to the navel gazing part of the day:
My husband is away on a business trip. I'm fairly certain solely professional, though who knows. He called, as is our practice, during dinner to talk to our daughter. And said he'd call me later. I said he didn't have to, just let me know if he would or wouldn't. He said he would for a bit. It takes me a while to type, so we've just now hung up. He's not, I don't know. He's not as distant, but still something. Closed off? Sad? Done? I don't know.
I'm growing closer to accepting my new job offer. I said to DH last night - did he realize we were on the precipice of everything we've ever wanted (financially speaking). We'd be able to very quickly fix up the remainder of our house, have cleaning help weekly, a regular babysitter, a growing pile of savings....it's all right there. He didn't respond. I suppose, if we're on a different sort of precipice, it's enough money so he doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving me. I'd have enough to raise our daughter in reasonable comfort.
I want to take a flying leap. A leap into success.
Amalah, Y, Niobe, Meg - thank you for keeping it real.
1 day ago