Wednesday, November 28, 2007

yeah, it's the other thing

Joint session today. Yeah, pretty much as I hated to think - he's being nice because he feels bad. Not because he's softening. No reconciliation. I'm just sad, sad, sad today.

I know it's impossible to understand. How can I miss this jerk? And yet I do. I miss him so much. He was my "soft place to fall," as, god help me, Dr. Phil calls it. Well, before all this, of course. I counted on him, I depended on him, I loved him. And I still do. And he does not love me. It breaks my heart. I thought we were going through a rough patch, not that this was it.

When I was in college I had my palm read by a guy who said his family had the second sight. It wasn't a random woman at a bar to whom I paid $5 when I was drunk, it was a guy who said he had learned from his family and who seemed really to believe. I know it's hokey, and I don't believe it, but I've been thinking about it lately. He said I'd be married twice, but not divorced. I remember asking wait, how was that possible, wanting him to say I'd be widowed, but he brushed off my questions. Maybe if we get an annulment that's how? I don't remember everything else he said. Maybe that I would have two kids, though I don't really remember that, as I was a huge, dateless dork and never thought I'd have any kids, much less ever be married. I remember he told one of my friends she had the palm of an old soul. Which freaked her out, but everyone else thought was true. Everyone from my college group who was there remembers it. But I guess he was wrong about me.

I wish I could remember now what he said about children. It might have been three. I am fairly certain it was not one. The desire to have another child, even with what's going on in my life right now, has not abated. And that SUCKS, let me tell you.

In more exciting news, Niobe has bestowed the "flame of fortitude" upon me. I feel very humbled by that. I am strong, and will survive, and will be ok around my daughter, but right now just so want to curl up on the bed and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.

If you're here from Niobe, thank you very much for reading this far. Having readers (and commenters) has helped me immensely. I have a fairly good support system in place, but this forum provides something my real life friends cannot. I can't define what it is, but it's real. It matters to me that people read my words and some find my story (as banal and common as it is) touching. It validates me in a way nothing else does. And right now, more than anything else, I need validation. That I matter. That I am.

In turn, I'm going to award it to The Scarlet D, who is traveling a similar path to mine. I hope that she and I both have happy endings, whatever those may be.


meg said...

I'm sorry Which Box. This is so hard. And the flame of fortitude is about right. You are in the middle of a crap storm (as am I) and you are surviving. That is all we can do right now.

Thinking of you lots.

Caro said...

Came over from Niobe and spent the afternoon yesterday reading your archives.

I know you can get through this but am so sorry that you have to.

susannah said...

Just wanted you to know that I have been quietly following your story. I am so very sorry for all the pain that you are going through. I know how you feel and I know it's really hard. Just know that you will be okay. It may not be today, but you will.

niobe said...

That's a fascinating fortune -- with so many different possible interpretations.

And thanks for pointing me to Scarlet D. I'm going to go and check out her blog now.

Leah said...

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. What I hold on to is that God does not give us anything we can't handle. (Though at the time it feels like it) Now you know where your husband stands and now you can start your new life with your daughter, show him that you don't want or need his pity niceness. But allow yourself time to heal, cry, get mad, whatever don't keep it in.

bethann said...

I'm here from Niobe's too. Just really wanted to say that you are very much in my thoughts. I want good things for you, and I want them right now, damn it. And for all of us in shitty shoes right now. But you ARE strong, and you will survive, and you most definitely matter.

The Scarlet D said...

Thanks so much for the award. I, too, found out just today that this is really it, and will blog about it later. I think I've known it all along, but hearing it out loud is an entirely different thing, isn't it? We will make it. Just take it one day at a time. That's all I can manage at this point.