Saturday, November 3, 2007

fortunes

Last night I went out with friends while my husband stayed home with our daughter. They had Chinese food, and this morning there were 2 fortune cookies out on the counter.

Needing a sign, I cracked one open:

Listen attentively. You will come out ahead.

A good sign, I thought. Once I got home last night we spent a long time talking. We are exhausting ourselves talking, but last night was reasonably ok. His main point was that he's just lost any romantic feelings for me, and my main point was I hadn't, I missed him, and if we tried spending time together, doing things together, having fun together, maybe he'd gain those feelings back. Maybe not but maybe. And what did he have to lose? I tried to listen, and think I heard a lot. I also know I will come out ahead, no matter which way this goes.

Later in the day I cracked open the second:

Pain is temporary; the success it brings can be everlasting.

I liked that a lot. I am in a lot of pain - but maybe that pain is for a reason, leading me into a new place. With, or without, him in it. What comes next will be a better life.

I just signed up for NaBloPoMo.

Writing here has helped. It's good to get it out. And if I post daily, maybe I won't have the mammoth posts. So much is happening so quickly, there's little time for reflection, and no time for any analysis. I hope this will be a good record. But, I'm censoring myself. It's always been important for me to have an anonymous blog - at least to start, to find my voice. I've typed sensitive stuff about my life, my choices, and my sex life. And I'm a prude! I'm ok putting it all there anonymously, so that's not the censorship. Knowing my husband knows about this makes it impossible to be fully open about everything I am thinking. The day he told me he was reading it, he also said he wasn't going to read it anymore. And I replied by saying that was probably the saddest thing of all. If he cared at all, he would be checking in.

Funny enough, blogging is a good example of things about me that drive my husband away. About 2 years ago I thought about starting a blog. I was reading a lot of blogs, I was comenting, I was obsessed with a few, I wanted in the clique. So for Christmas that year, he got me a good book about blogging. And I flipped through it, but as I said in my very first post, I had name anxiety. I needed time to mull this over, come up with a good name and decide on my point of view. And I needed the name to match the point of view. So I've been mulling this over for, well, 2 years. I don't take immediate action. I need time to sit with whatever it might be. Eventually I do take action, but (this is such a dumb example), it bugs my husband that he gave me that book and I never used it. It's not that it was a wasted present. I will use it (even given how fast technology changes). And I value the present. I just need to do it on my own pace. And that's true of much of my life - cleaning the dishes, putting clutter away, dieting, you name it, I'm doing it - or not - on my schedule, which is not entirely the most logical schedule in the world.

On the plus side, I didn't eat either fortune cookie.

6 comments:

Louise said...

I have no clue how I came across your blog but I have had it bookmarked for about three weeks now; I just added you to my blogroll.

I don't have any advice to give, really, just empathy. If I were in your situation, I *would* be in the fetal position, hiding in my bed.

Zee said...

Hi! I came over from NaBloPoMo. I'm challenging myself to comment on as many blogs as possible this month as well as post.

I think the in between time is the hardest. It's not quite over, but it's not quite together either. I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. It will get better, which ever way it goes.

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I came across your blog through the NaBloPoMo randomizer. I am so sorry for what you're going through. ((HUGS))

Much of what you wrote echoed with me, though it was my parents' divorce sixteen years ago (rather than my own) and it was my mom who left us. Like your husband, she didn't voice her unhappiness until she had already decided to leave. She said a number of things about which she was unhappy, but she didn't want to put the energy into working them through. The way she dealt with her unhappiness was pretty immature and incredibly selfish. My father spent a lot of time and energy trying to win her back, and she went through the motions of giving him a second chance, but she had already mentally committed to a new life for herself and never really gave our family a shot. That said, my dad became a much better man and a much better dad through the experience.

My only real advice is to focus on yourself and your daughter in this difficult time. You husband may come around, and I really hope he does, but be sure to take care of yourself. It sounds like you have good things going on career-opportunity-wise, and your daughter is at a very exciting age. Enjoy those things as best you can. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Carla Adams said...

I'm Eve and I've come to your site via the Randomizer at NaBloPoMo. I can be found at http://adamswife.wordpress.com. I've set myself the challenge to visit as many bloggers as possible during this month.

I just left you a very lovely post expressing sympathy for your point of view and your need to think things through before acting. However, the computer ate it! :-( I keep running into this problem. When I try to publish a comment my comment is wiped out with the message that required fields must not be blank. None of them are. **insert whining here**

ChristiS said...

I came across your blog through NaBloPoMo randomizer. I'm sorry that things are so stinky right now. Hang in there!!

meg said...

Which Box, you will not believe this. I was looking at my blogroll earlier today or last night (not sure which) and went...hmmm...who is missing? And then I added your link.

Thank your for your words too. We are both going through an incredible amount of stuff right now and I am glad that we're both blogging about it. It does help. Take good care of yourself.