Last night I went out with friends while my husband stayed home with our daughter. They had Chinese food, and this morning there were 2 fortune cookies out on the counter.
Needing a sign, I cracked one open:
Listen attentively. You will come out ahead.
A good sign, I thought. Once I got home last night we spent a long time talking. We are exhausting ourselves talking, but last night was reasonably ok. His main point was that he's just lost any romantic feelings for me, and my main point was I hadn't, I missed him, and if we tried spending time together, doing things together, having fun together, maybe he'd gain those feelings back. Maybe not but maybe. And what did he have to lose? I tried to listen, and think I heard a lot. I also know I will come out ahead, no matter which way this goes.
Later in the day I cracked open the second:
Pain is temporary; the success it brings can be everlasting.
I liked that a lot. I am in a lot of pain - but maybe that pain is for a reason, leading me into a new place. With, or without, him in it. What comes next will be a better life.
I just signed up for NaBloPoMo.
Writing here has helped. It's good to get it out. And if I post daily, maybe I won't have the mammoth posts. So much is happening so quickly, there's little time for reflection, and no time for any analysis. I hope this will be a good record. But, I'm censoring myself. It's always been important for me to have an anonymous blog - at least to start, to find my voice. I've typed sensitive stuff about my life, my choices, and my sex life. And I'm a prude! I'm ok putting it all there anonymously, so that's not the censorship. Knowing my husband knows about this makes it impossible to be fully open about everything I am thinking. The day he told me he was reading it, he also said he wasn't going to read it anymore. And I replied by saying that was probably the saddest thing of all. If he cared at all, he would be checking in.
Funny enough, blogging is a good example of things about me that drive my husband away. About 2 years ago I thought about starting a blog. I was reading a lot of blogs, I was comenting, I was obsessed with a few, I wanted in the clique. So for Christmas that year, he got me a good book about blogging. And I flipped through it, but as I said in my very first post, I had name anxiety. I needed time to mull this over, come up with a good name and decide on my point of view. And I needed the name to match the point of view. So I've been mulling this over for, well, 2 years. I don't take immediate action. I need time to sit with whatever it might be. Eventually I do take action, but (this is such a dumb example), it bugs my husband that he gave me that book and I never used it. It's not that it was a wasted present. I will use it (even given how fast technology changes). And I value the present. I just need to do it on my own pace. And that's true of much of my life - cleaning the dishes, putting clutter away, dieting, you name it, I'm doing it - or not - on my schedule, which is not entirely the most logical schedule in the world.
On the plus side, I didn't eat either fortune cookie.
5 days ago