Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Made it to my parents. So much is swirling through my brain right now, I don't know what to type, what to save, what to start with, what it all really means. In general, I guess fairly typical for my life now.

My daughter is down in the next room over, trying to fall asleep. She's having a bit of a time. Last night we got in at 12:30 am, and she woke up. We went to bed at 1:30 or so, and she and I slept on a mattress on the floor (it was too late to set anything up). After half an hour of twisting and turning, she sat up, said, "Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?" with an increasing note of hysteria, and then burst into sobs. I pulled her close and snuggled in and it passed, and she fell asleep. We had a good day today - she loves her grandparents and aunt. And the little kitty that lives here.

Tonight we talked to my husband, and she wouldn't really talk on the phone. And then in getting ready for bed (story, prayers), she started again, "where's Daddy? Mommy, I want to go home. I want to go home. See Daddy." I tried putting her in the pack n play and she was having none of it. I rocked her for a few minutes, in the dark, tears streaming down my face as she continued to call for my husband. I finally whispered I want Daddy too, and we'll be home soon.

When I talked to my husband earlier I wasn't sure if I should tell him she was calling for him. And when I did, he just sighed, and then said, yeah, I was wondering if she'd have trouble falling asleep there. (we had a time with her here last Christmas.) I know he didn't want to get into it, but, come on, so not the point. I just said, ok, well, sounds like you're busy, we'll talk tomorrow. And hung up.

There's a lot of time to think during a long road trip. And it really hit me that this is really over. At every chance he's had to soften, to open his heart, to think about possibilities - he's refused. I need to come to grips with that. And it's hard.

Told my parents today what was going on.

My mom - well, just don't humiliate yourself chasing after him.

My dad - he needs to take care of you financially. Is your car paid off? How much debt do you have? Do you have a lawyer? When can you move here, you need support?

They also said they were there for me, could come up and stay with me, and to hang in there.

My dad looks great, by the way. Much better than I expected. He tires, and can't lift things, but in general is exactly the same. It's a huge relief.

Grief is really hitting me hard today. I hope tomorrow is better.


The Scarlet D said...

I am so there with you. I had a horrible day yesterday, just grieving off and on all day long. Some days I grieve for my children and what they are missing, but yesterday they were with their dad, and for the first time I was really grieving for myself, and for how hard this dream is to let go.

Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. If I try to take it too far ahead (even Christmas is too much at this point)I just get bogged down in despair. Hang in there. You are not alone.

niobe said...

It's so hard reading about your daughter. Holidays are especially difficult -- I know I keep thinking about those two empty places at my table. Take care of yourself and your little girl.

I'll be thinking of you.

meg said...

Yeah, that was really hard to read about your little girl crying for her Dad. I know the holidays are really difficult.