Sunday, November 18, 2007

getting mad

Ok, everyone is saying I need to get mad. So now I'm mad. Last week, husband worked late every night except Friday, and he "deserved Friday off" and went out with friends. Not a single night with our daughter, or helping around the house in any way.

Last night I ask him how the apartment hunt is going, and he says he's narrowed it down to 2 places. WTF. "Working" my ass. Jerk.

Last night he comes upstairs at 3 am, which wakes me. And then a dear friend calls from New Zealand at 5:30 am. And then my daughter wakes up at 6:45. I get her, bring her into my bed. At 8 we go wake my husband up. Oh, he says, I didn't realize she was up. He says I should go back to bed. I'm exhausted, and I start sobbing. Cry myself into near sleep. And then he oh so helpfully brings my daughter upstairs and she proceeds to have a tantrum/crying fit.

Why the hell can't he manage? Why is this all on me? I get up, calm her down, read her books, and just lose it with him. Scream at him for being worthless, no help at all, just wanting to be the fun dad but not a real adult. Scream at him to leave.

So, he left. Looking at apartments, I presume. Says he'll be out tomorrow.

Weekly update (I'm too frenzied to do links to all the relevant places, so here's the link to last week's update).
- My daughter and I are off to my parents for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow, driving 6 hours to my sister's, then on Tuesday driving to my folks, 10+ hours. Returning Sat/Sun. I should have bitten the bullet and flown, but am hoping it'll be fun. Sort of. My dad seems ok, sounds strong. I'll tell my sister when we're driving, and I'll tell my parents once I get there.

- I semi-accepted the job. They offered me a lot of money, and "comparable benefits." Every question I've asked was answered one of two ways - oh, you'll decide that as the program head, or that'll be covered in the offer letter. So, I decided since they weren't offering me any negotiating points, to proceed to offer letter - I wrote and said I'd like to accept the job, and if it all works out, I will, and if I can't get the offer the way I like it, I'll walk. I'll speak to the lawyer on Monday, and we'll have this week to hammer it out. They want me to resign my current job the 26th, and start with them on the 10th of December. Maybe one of these days I'll wrote more about this. Every single professional or professional/friend contact who knows says to take it. Only people who know me solely personally (and who are currently helping me through this emotional upheaval), or through this blog, have expressed any reservations at all. It is one of the only things that temporarily quells the anxiety.

- Weight. This is another long to come post. I've lost more than ten pounds through this ordeal. Which means another 10 to look ok, and 15 to look really good, and 10 more to be truly in the right BMI. I'm eating fairly healthfully, though not drinking enough water. Need to exercise. Aerobic.

- marriage. See above. Not sure where to go now. Take the week off and see what things are like when I get back, I guess? We have a joint counseling session the 28th. Not even sure why anymore, though I think we should keep it. At least it's a place to air things.

- anxiety. Sky high, though tempered by anger and excitement at leaving. The one thing about daily posting (NaBloPoMo) is that it buries posts. Particularly since I write so much, and particularly weekend posts. So check out yesterday's anxiety post.

The question still remains - any good ideas for managing anxiety?

1 comment:

niobe said...

I'm with the previous commenters who suggested trying a small amount of an anti-anxiety drug when you're really anxious. If you feel that you absolutely don't want to take drugs of any kind, perhaps you could try accepting your anxiety, naming it, letting yourself really experience it and embracing it.