Saturday, November 10, 2007

riding the roller coaster

Sigh. Ups, downs, and everything in between.

My husband is out right now looking at apartments. We talked last night for 3 hours. I guess we ended with him saying he just couldn't trust that 12 bad years could be turned around. And me saying yes, they could, and what did we have to lose by trying.

We also had sex. Unprotected. On Day 13 of my 28 day regular (though recently non ovulatory) cycle. The sex was great, actually, and needed. 9/10s of our problems can be traced to miscommunication over our sexual difficulties. Him insecure about his performance, me withdrawing so as not to have to (and not knowing how to) deal.

I still can't process that this is happening. That he won't just say, god, I am being an idiot, let's take this chance to work on our relationship and make it better.

We talked last night about ideal lives we'd like to lead, things we want to do, places we want to see - and we share so much. So much past, and overlapping future desires.

So, crap. What to do now. We have a joint session Tuesday, and maybe that will help sort this out. He showed some willingness to travel for Thanksgiving to see my dad. Not sure if that's wise, really, but it's hard to get there - and with a two year old in tow, and maybe my parents needing practical help, I could use the support.

I think a lot about why I am trying, why I am insistent that he owes it to us to try. Even if we resolve our problems, we're still faced with dealing with infidelity. I still fundamentally believe that when you make a marriage commitment, and when you have a child, you do everything in your power to keep that relationship going. Not to a point of misery, but if there's the slightest chance of a good relationship at the end of hard work, you do the work. The good far outweighs the bad at this point. And we've not tried. That's what it comes down to - we've not tried to make things better. I can't make him, that's obvious. He has to want to. But for me, I don't like to give up - without trying. So I'm holding n for the ride, for now.

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