I can't remember how I got interested in blogging. It was definitely a couple of years ago, but what I visited and what I read - I can't tell you.
Til, somehow, I discovered Amalah. OMG. It's hard to even type a description, since probably everyone knows her, and she's such an amazing blogging overlord and all, while I am a pale, quaking pre-schooler compared to her uber-awesomeness.
And from Amalah, I found Joy Unexpected. Y is real, and raw, and so freaking hilarious I have almost made the sweet pee-pee in my pants reading her. Shit - I am trying to find the sweet pee-pee entry which is one of my most favorite things ever, too damn funny. The dance off will have to do.
I've mentioned I'm dealing with pregnancy loss. I'm not sure how, but I found Niobe at DeadBabyJokes. Her sparse, polished, perfectly elegant writing style again humbles me. For pure writer-ly-ness (intentional crappy writing) she's an inspiration. I love how she shows only pieces of herself, and yet how if you've read everything, the pieces are coming together. But there are still so many unanswered questions. I could almost be a weird blog stalker of Niobe, so I try not to think about it too much.
And finally, Meg from The.Para.Graph. I found her through Niobe, and was captivated from word 1. I wish I had started reading her as her latest journey began, so that I could have been there for her throughout. Instead, I found her as she has again started on an all too familiar, though brutally original journey. My heart aches for her, and I consider her to be one of the strongest people I've never met. Sometimes people say to me they don't know how I'm holding it together (not well). I draw strength from people who are writing real, true words about their own personal lives.
I hope I can bring the same honesty to this. And have something to say that speaks to someone.
And now back to the navel gazing part of the day:
My husband is away on a business trip. I'm fairly certain solely professional, though who knows. He called, as is our practice, during dinner to talk to our daughter. And said he'd call me later. I said he didn't have to, just let me know if he would or wouldn't. He said he would for a bit. It takes me a while to type, so we've just now hung up. He's not, I don't know. He's not as distant, but still something. Closed off? Sad? Done? I don't know.
I'm growing closer to accepting my new job offer. I said to DH last night - did he realize we were on the precipice of everything we've ever wanted (financially speaking). We'd be able to very quickly fix up the remainder of our house, have cleaning help weekly, a regular babysitter, a growing pile of savings....it's all right there. He didn't respond. I suppose, if we're on a different sort of precipice, it's enough money so he doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving me. I'd have enough to raise our daughter in reasonable comfort.
I want to take a flying leap. A leap into success.
Amalah, Y, Niobe, Meg - thank you for keeping it real.
1 year ago
2 comments:
Thank you for saying such nice things about my blog.
Not that you asked for my advice, but, if you're not reading them already, it might be helpful to take a look at some of the forums (fora(?)) that deal with infidelity -- whether emotional or physical. I think that, as with so many other things, people who haven't experienced it, may have some trouble understanding how someone faced with this issue might feel or act.
Thank you too! You know, I don't feel strong at all and I'm amazed when people say that to me. But I guess, we all just have to keep going and keep trying. And I guess that is strength, really.
I'm glad that you draw strength from real and honest writing. I try to do that too and I can tell you, for sure, that I see that on this blog too.
Dealing with this thing with you husband is really quite enough. Dealing with everything else is just too much at once. I feel that way too (because of all the losses together). It's like a giant swirling ball of stress, grief, fear and sadness--all at once.
Take care and stay strong (you are too!)
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