the latest

OK, so I was too tired/worn out to do an update yesterday. Here's the latest.

Yesterday, on my drive home, I called my husband's mother. We don't have the best relationship, and she's an emotional hothead. Partly I called her because if she's talking to me, I theorize, she can't demonize me. Which is not entirely true, but it gives me some comfort. I know it's a short leap to "you're paying support money, she needs to give you more access to your daughter, and she had Thanksgiving, I get Christmas (yes, I as in her!)." I also just wanted a preview - how had my husband been? So she tells me he has a lawyer and an apartment, and that he was sad, but determined, though he did say he didn't know what would really happen. OK, ouch, though not surprising.

Then, on the drive, we talked and I told him there was a children's concert at the children's museum Sunday night, and I had wanted to take our daughter, but couldn't figure out how to do it, since we'd been away so long, and I didn't want to prevent him from spending good time with her. He said, we could go. We could go together. OK, so that's what we agreed to do. Turns out I ran into traffic, and the museum is between the highway and our place, so we agreed to meet there.

On the way there I just thought, ok, well, I'll know based on how he greets me. I'll know whether anything has changed, or if he's moving out tomorrow, or what.

And when he met us, he patted me awkwardly on the shoulder. So, ouch again. Oh well. The concert was hard - there was a family next to us with a daughter with birth defects. She was adorable. And her family was together, and her father was holding her and just loving being there with her, it was so apparent. And I felt a wave of sadness. If things had worked out for us, if our pregnancy had survived to birth, and then beyond....it was too much, and made me tear up.

When we got home, after putting our daughter to bed, we talked. He had a lead on a lawyer, but hadn't called yet (and it turns out to be the same firm as mine, so he's back to square one). He said he had a lead on a place, and it was closer, but he was now targeting the 8th instead of the 1st. I said, you have to know it's not fair. He asked what wasn't fair - I replied, fair of you to keep dangling these dates you're moving out. It's not fair to me, you hold all the cards on deciding what you're doing. He agreed and asked what he could do, and I said nothing. Thinking there isn't anything, really, except moving out now, and I don't want that either.

He said he had no right to say it, but he really missed us both for the holiday. He said he figured out since the December we started dating (1995), he and I had not spent a single holiday apart and it was tough. He repeated he had no right to say that. I said, it's what you wanted, and he said that's why he had no right.

He showed me some wine he had bought - for me. Kinds I like, specifically for me. He said it was crazy, but he had spent all day Sunday making the house nice for me, he felt it was important that he do that - grocery shop, clean up, vacuum, make the beds. I asked why? (since he hates having to clean up after me all the time) and he said he didn't know. It was just important to him.

He said he almost bought me a TV on Black Friday. What, why? He said, yeah, I knew it was crazy, so I didn't, but I had noticed the old TV in the master bedroom was about to go on the fritz.

He had bought a new set of pots and pans at Costco, I presume for his apartment.

He said the most important thing was to establish a schedule, when he saw our daughter, how it all worked out. He agreed mediation was the way to go, not lawyers. I said I just didn't think I could do it in December, could we wait til January, and he said oh god, yes, no not to see mediators in December. He said he knew I was concerned about Christmas, and I could have our daughter for Christmas. I asked about Christmas cards - we usually send a letter in our cards. He said after the year we've had, he didn't think we should do a letter. Maybe a short update, or a picture card of our daughter. I asked about telling friends, and he said, not in a Christmas card. I said it's ok if we wait to tell people. He said that would be good. Several times he said "no matter how this goes" and I can't remember the specific references.

So.

I need to step back. Objectively. Going away for Thanksgiving was good. It relieved some pressure. He clearly missed us. It clearly gave him a lot to think about.

I am feeling better, in some ways, and just sad in so many other ways. I need to move forward with my life, my plans, and let him do what he's going to do.

Tonight I am going out with a friend, and he is babysitting. Tomorrow night I have plans with our daughter after work. Wednesday night I have to work late, and he is babysitting. Wednesday morning is our joint counseling session.

I want, on Wednesday, to ask about his relationship with his direct report. Maybe I should not, but in some ways, how I approach things is dependent on what he's doing. If he's out seeing someone, I am less inclined to be "nice." Of course, if I ask, he could lie. I don't know what to do.

Ugh, I am going no place with this long post. I e-mailed him earlier today with a little tidbit - a favorite hotel of ours (restaurant in the hotel) is closing soon. I just said, wow, did you know this, the end of an era. The link was something like last chance at XX. He's not e-mailed me back, and now I worry that was "too much pressure" he took it as some sort of hint I wanted to go there. I over think things. But as the afternoon has worn on, I've grown more anxious. So started typing to take the edge off. I have several well thought out posts percolating in my head, but you're getting the drivel - the disgorging.

Oh, well, so that's last night. We'll see how tonight goes, and tomorrow......I am worn out. Worn out.