the weight

OK, here's my long planned weight e-mail.

Bottom line, I've been borderline heavy my entire life. Never obese, but just the classic bookworm hopeless at gym too much babyfat kid, who never learned how to slim down as a teenager, and who even now just doesn't get the connection between what I eat/how much I move and what I weigh and how I look and how fit I am. I don't like to sweat, but I do like it when I am stronger or more fit.

I was pretty much a size 11/13 my teenage years.

I'm 5'4".

Today, I weigh 173.5

In early 2003, I hit my then highest weight of 175, and I went off to weight watchers. And lost 25 pounds, hovering around 150 +/- 4 pounds. I looked and felt great. Wore size 8, some 6. And was happy - no need to be a skinny 4 or 6 sized girl. I worked out with weights, walked a lot, and did yoga, and tried to eat healthfully.

In 2004, I started a new job, and couldn't walk to work anymore. And they had SOOO much junk food here. I settled in at 160 or so. But was reasonably ok with that.

And then I got pregnant, and weighed in at 165 or so. I gained a normal amount of weight, but started to hit 190 near the end (when i finally refused to look at the scale anymore).

I remember coming home from the hospital and standing on the scale (bloated from the c-section) and weighing 188! After having an 8 pound baby! The water came off though, and at my 6 week check up I weighed 167. And I started losing, and walking, but with nursing didn't watch my food or try to lose more. And at 4 months went back to work. Well, there was no time for exercise, and remember the junk food. My weight crept up. In November 2006, when I was newly pregnant again, it hit 178. I was up to about 184 when the pregnancy finally ended.

Suddenly I wasn't nursing anymore, I had just lost this baby, I was stressed and depressed, and the weight just crept up. A pound a month, no matter what I tried to do. I was at 188 in August, and felt terrible about myself.

Again, I have such a hard time seeing the connection between eating/exercising and what the scale says. It's such a long term process, not immediate feedback.

In August I decide to stop weighing myself every day and just try to level off. In September I weighed 185. In mid October I went to the Chinese medicine guy, who suggested my diet was too carb heavy (yes), and suggested a three week veggies/fruit supplement thing. I bought the supplements - to the tune of $160.

At the end of October the shit hit the fan, and I dropped in one week to 180. In early November it was 178 - right where I was a year ago when pregnant.

So now I'm eating better (healthfully) and trying to work off anxiety by exercising. Aerobic exercise is hard - I'm walking when I can, but need something else. I am considering a treadmill - the problem is how to walk when as soon as I get home from work there's a little one to deal with? And I can't leave the house when she's in bed to jog around the block! And with my husband so sporadic, and about to leave, there's no long term solution there. I'm scouring websites to find a used treadmill (before the rush in January!).

173.5. I am considering reading all the supplement stuff and starting that process this weekend. I'm fairly confident it's healthy stuff (I'm not a fad dieter). It might be the kickstart I need. I would love to be 165 in the next 4 weeks. There, it's out there. That's my goal - lose an ambitious amount over the holiday season. Normally I'd think not doable, but lucky for me, for once I'm not stress eating.

I'll keep posting on this - I hope it keeps me honest, and seeing progress.

wishes

I always wanted to be a writer - I was such a reader growing up, I thought writing was the natural extension. I wanted to be like Jo in Little Women, with ink on my hands and clothes and the physical NEED to write. But I haven't ever had that - no burning desire for me to put thoughts on paper. Blogging, now, has become important to me as a safe place to gather thoughts.

I've always appreciated great writing. I read voraciously, though mostly to learn how the story ends, not for the writing. Every once in a while, I stop to savor the way the words are put together. This poem reminded me of some of the people I've "met" through blogging.

Heart

Some people sell their blood. You sell your heart.
It was either that or the soul.
The hard part is getting the damn thing out.
A kind of twisting motion, like shucking an oyster,
your spine a wrist,
and then, hup! it's in your mouth
You turn yourself partially inside out
like a sea anemone coughing a pebble.
There's a broken plop, the racket
of fish guts into a pail,
and there it is, a huge glistening deep-red clot
of the still-alive past, whole on the plate.

It gets passed around. It's slithery. It gets dropped,
but also tasted. Too coarse, says one. Too salty.
Too sour, says another, making a face.
Each one is an instant gourmet,
and you stand listening to all this
in the corner, like a newly hired waiter,
your diffident, skilful hand on the wound hidden
deep in your shirt and chest,
shyly, heartless.

-Margaret Atwood, from The Door

There's another I'll share in a few days.

Last night I had too much wine. And threw things, and tried to hit (him) (all after our daughter was safely tucked away). I don't know how to deal with anger. I don't do emotion very well, and anger not at all. I don't know how to be angry. So I don't want to be angry.

yeah, it's the other thing

Joint session today. Yeah, pretty much as I hated to think - he's being nice because he feels bad. Not because he's softening. No reconciliation. I'm just sad, sad, sad today.

I know it's impossible to understand. How can I miss this jerk? And yet I do. I miss him so much. He was my "soft place to fall," as, god help me, Dr. Phil calls it. Well, before all this, of course. I counted on him, I depended on him, I loved him. And I still do. And he does not love me. It breaks my heart. I thought we were going through a rough patch, not that this was it.

When I was in college I had my palm read by a guy who said his family had the second sight. It wasn't a random woman at a bar to whom I paid $5 when I was drunk, it was a guy who said he had learned from his family and who seemed really to believe. I know it's hokey, and I don't believe it, but I've been thinking about it lately. He said I'd be married twice, but not divorced. I remember asking wait, how was that possible, wanting him to say I'd be widowed, but he brushed off my questions. Maybe if we get an annulment that's how? I don't remember everything else he said. Maybe that I would have two kids, though I don't really remember that, as I was a huge, dateless dork and never thought I'd have any kids, much less ever be married. I remember he told one of my friends she had the palm of an old soul. Which freaked her out, but everyone else thought was true. Everyone from my college group who was there remembers it. But I guess he was wrong about me.

I wish I could remember now what he said about children. It might have been three. I am fairly certain it was not one. The desire to have another child, even with what's going on in my life right now, has not abated. And that SUCKS, let me tell you.

In more exciting news, Niobe has bestowed the "flame of fortitude" upon me. I feel very humbled by that. I am strong, and will survive, and will be ok around my daughter, but right now just so want to curl up on the bed and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.



If you're here from Niobe, thank you very much for reading this far. Having readers (and commenters) has helped me immensely. I have a fairly good support system in place, but this forum provides something my real life friends cannot. I can't define what it is, but it's real. It matters to me that people read my words and some find my story (as banal and common as it is) touching. It validates me in a way nothing else does. And right now, more than anything else, I need validation. That I matter. That I am.

In turn, I'm going to award it to The Scarlet D, who is traveling a similar path to mine. I hope that she and I both have happy endings, whatever those may be.

however this works out

Those four words have been giving me a lot of trouble over the past few days. However this works out. There's hope in that phrase - things might work out. I seek out hints and clues that he's softening, reconsidering.

WE've eased into companionable silence, for the most part. Last night I worked late and ran an errand, and made it home in time for bath/bed. I had to call home twice, and both times we chatted pleasantly. I told him I'd like to be home in time for bedtime, but that if I wasn't, it was ok, because sometimes I thought my daughter and I were a little too intertwined. He said, you think? It's true - she's a mommy's girl and totally glommed onto me most of the time. I know he and I have not put our marriage first, we've put our own individual relationships with our daughter first. And over time, my husband has come to prefer time alone with our daughter (without me there) because when I am there, she focuses on me.

Ah, hindsight is 20/20, right? Now I can see so many roots of our problems, after it's too late.

He's also bveen saying "we" a lot lately. We need a better budgeting system. We could get a TV for the attic room. This morning for the first time I tried it out, we should set aside money every pay period for the college fund, instead of scrambling for money at the end of the year. It felt weird to say it, and I think he felt it was weird to hear. I'm not going to do that again.

So, as I said, last night was companionable quiet once I got home, a few phrases here and there. Probably to be blown wide open tomorrow. I need to prepare myself. He's probably just sad and quiet mourning the end of our relationship, not struggling with thinking how this might work out. However this works out.

the latest

OK, so I was too tired/worn out to do an update yesterday. Here's the latest.

Yesterday, on my drive home, I called my husband's mother. We don't have the best relationship, and she's an emotional hothead. Partly I called her because if she's talking to me, I theorize, she can't demonize me. Which is not entirely true, but it gives me some comfort. I know it's a short leap to "you're paying support money, she needs to give you more access to your daughter, and she had Thanksgiving, I get Christmas (yes, I as in her!)." I also just wanted a preview - how had my husband been? So she tells me he has a lawyer and an apartment, and that he was sad, but determined, though he did say he didn't know what would really happen. OK, ouch, though not surprising.

Then, on the drive, we talked and I told him there was a children's concert at the children's museum Sunday night, and I had wanted to take our daughter, but couldn't figure out how to do it, since we'd been away so long, and I didn't want to prevent him from spending good time with her. He said, we could go. We could go together. OK, so that's what we agreed to do. Turns out I ran into traffic, and the museum is between the highway and our place, so we agreed to meet there.

On the way there I just thought, ok, well, I'll know based on how he greets me. I'll know whether anything has changed, or if he's moving out tomorrow, or what.

And when he met us, he patted me awkwardly on the shoulder. So, ouch again. Oh well. The concert was hard - there was a family next to us with a daughter with birth defects. She was adorable. And her family was together, and her father was holding her and just loving being there with her, it was so apparent. And I felt a wave of sadness. If things had worked out for us, if our pregnancy had survived to birth, and then beyond....it was too much, and made me tear up.

When we got home, after putting our daughter to bed, we talked. He had a lead on a lawyer, but hadn't called yet (and it turns out to be the same firm as mine, so he's back to square one). He said he had a lead on a place, and it was closer, but he was now targeting the 8th instead of the 1st. I said, you have to know it's not fair. He asked what wasn't fair - I replied, fair of you to keep dangling these dates you're moving out. It's not fair to me, you hold all the cards on deciding what you're doing. He agreed and asked what he could do, and I said nothing. Thinking there isn't anything, really, except moving out now, and I don't want that either.

He said he had no right to say it, but he really missed us both for the holiday. He said he figured out since the December we started dating (1995), he and I had not spent a single holiday apart and it was tough. He repeated he had no right to say that. I said, it's what you wanted, and he said that's why he had no right.

He showed me some wine he had bought - for me. Kinds I like, specifically for me. He said it was crazy, but he had spent all day Sunday making the house nice for me, he felt it was important that he do that - grocery shop, clean up, vacuum, make the beds. I asked why? (since he hates having to clean up after me all the time) and he said he didn't know. It was just important to him.

He said he almost bought me a TV on Black Friday. What, why? He said, yeah, I knew it was crazy, so I didn't, but I had noticed the old TV in the master bedroom was about to go on the fritz.

He had bought a new set of pots and pans at Costco, I presume for his apartment.

He said the most important thing was to establish a schedule, when he saw our daughter, how it all worked out. He agreed mediation was the way to go, not lawyers. I said I just didn't think I could do it in December, could we wait til January, and he said oh god, yes, no not to see mediators in December. He said he knew I was concerned about Christmas, and I could have our daughter for Christmas. I asked about Christmas cards - we usually send a letter in our cards. He said after the year we've had, he didn't think we should do a letter. Maybe a short update, or a picture card of our daughter. I asked about telling friends, and he said, not in a Christmas card. I said it's ok if we wait to tell people. He said that would be good. Several times he said "no matter how this goes" and I can't remember the specific references.

So.

I need to step back. Objectively. Going away for Thanksgiving was good. It relieved some pressure. He clearly missed us. It clearly gave him a lot to think about.

I am feeling better, in some ways, and just sad in so many other ways. I need to move forward with my life, my plans, and let him do what he's going to do.

Tonight I am going out with a friend, and he is babysitting. Tomorrow night I have plans with our daughter after work. Wednesday night I have to work late, and he is babysitting. Wednesday morning is our joint counseling session.

I want, on Wednesday, to ask about his relationship with his direct report. Maybe I should not, but in some ways, how I approach things is dependent on what he's doing. If he's out seeing someone, I am less inclined to be "nice." Of course, if I ask, he could lie. I don't know what to do.

Ugh, I am going no place with this long post. I e-mailed him earlier today with a little tidbit - a favorite hotel of ours (restaurant in the hotel) is closing soon. I just said, wow, did you know this, the end of an era. The link was something like last chance at XX. He's not e-mailed me back, and now I worry that was "too much pressure" he took it as some sort of hint I wanted to go there. I over think things. But as the afternoon has worn on, I've grown more anxious. So started typing to take the edge off. I have several well thought out posts percolating in my head, but you're getting the drivel - the disgorging.

Oh, well, so that's last night. We'll see how tonight goes, and tomorrow......I am worn out. Worn out.

home

Made it back home after a long week away. Yesterday did the drive to my sister's, today the rest of the way. My husband is here, and very happy to see our daughter, and she was certainly happy to see him. All in all, even with everything going on, I am happy to be home and sleeping (alone) in my own bed tonight. More tomorrow. Too tired and worn out tonight for a weekly, or even today's, update.

not what I hoped

So remember this? And this?

No Dr. Phil episode for me. Or Jerry Springer appearance. Or who is it that does the paternity tests? Maury?

The thing is, last week I was sure it was yes. Certain. I just felt it. On Monday, all of a sudden, I didn't feel it anymore. Part of Thanksgiving being hard was knowing the answer was no.

Remember my aversion to Ativan? Well, no more. Prescription drugs here I come.

As hard as it would have been, I was praying for two pink lines.

Black Friday

So my sister and I did venture out this morning, around 6:30. Got a few bargains, including a portable DVD player for the car. As with so many people, I swore that wouldn't be me, but this drive is brutal for me and my daughter. If a DVD will help, I'm all for it.

Not as sad as yesterday, though it's still there.

I've mentioned before my husband and I read His Needs, Her Needs and my husband has brought up many of the points from that book. He feels his needs aren't being met in 4 areas - sex, my appearance, taking care of the house, and appreciating him. Not enough sex, too much weight, not keeping up my end of house duties, and being hard him, not appreciating all he does. I can't argue with him on any of those points. He's right in many ways. (of course, it's not like he meets many of my needs either - but I'm not as critical as he thinks I am).

And being here in some ways makes me feel worse about my role in the dissolution of our marriage. My family is laid back. Very laid back. And my dad trends strongly toward hoarding. They have a two car garage so stuffed with junk that there's only a narrow little path to walk through. The house is not very clean, nor kept up. My parents are overweight - not morbidly obese, but overweight. Everyone has spent the past three days watching too much TV. They're great people, don't get me wrong. Just....I don't know. I'm trying to paint the right picture, and it's not easy. Middle America isn't right. Not up to pottery barn standards, whatever that means. I should post pics, but yeah, it's embarrassing. Not really the way I want to be. Usually whenever I go home from here there's a frenzy of me cleaning and throwing things out, in reaction. Interesting, my brother is totally opposite. He's fit, and exercises, and throws things out obsessively. A counselor once said to me, he's as obsessive about stuff as the rest of you, he's just the other side of the coin, reacting extremely the opposite way of how we grew up.

And so everything my husband is criticizing about me is here, magnified. Every time he's said he knows I can't change, he's right. I'm not as far down the road as my family, but yeah. This is me. The me I don't want to be. I want to be fit, and hae a beautiful house, and love my husband uncritically.

I talked to him twice yesterday. The first time in the morning, and I just couldn't help sobbing. We were talking about our daughter and her tough time sleeping here, calling for him. He said he missed her. And he paused and said he missed us, both of us. And part of me takes a small measure of hope from that, and the vast majority of my rational brain is so trying to stamp that out. There is no hope. There is only this.

not a better day

I wish it was a better day today, but Thanksgiving turns out to be an emotional holiday. Who knew? Spending Thanksgiving with my family of origin, but not my current family, hurts.

Some of this might be because I'm tired - my daughter was up at 6:30 this morning (usually 7:30 is the average).

We watched TV this morning, and Sprout was showing a crawl of kids saying thanks. Always for their mommy and daddy. My heart just breaks for her, growing up in what used to be called a broken home. I guess people don't call it that anymore, though right now that's what it feels like. Very, very broken.

here

Made it to my parents. So much is swirling through my brain right now, I don't know what to type, what to save, what to start with, what it all really means. In general, I guess fairly typical for my life now.

My daughter is down in the next room over, trying to fall asleep. She's having a bit of a time. Last night we got in at 12:30 am, and she woke up. We went to bed at 1:30 or so, and she and I slept on a mattress on the floor (it was too late to set anything up). After half an hour of twisting and turning, she sat up, said, "Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?" with an increasing note of hysteria, and then burst into sobs. I pulled her close and snuggled in and it passed, and she fell asleep. We had a good day today - she loves her grandparents and aunt. And the little kitty that lives here.

Tonight we talked to my husband, and she wouldn't really talk on the phone. And then in getting ready for bed (story, prayers), she started again, "where's Daddy? Mommy, I want to go home. I want to go home. See Daddy." I tried putting her in the pack n play and she was having none of it. I rocked her for a few minutes, in the dark, tears streaming down my face as she continued to call for my husband. I finally whispered I want Daddy too, and we'll be home soon.

When I talked to my husband earlier I wasn't sure if I should tell him she was calling for him. And when I did, he just sighed, and then said, yeah, I was wondering if she'd have trouble falling asleep there. (we had a time with her here last Christmas.) I know he didn't want to get into it, but, come on, so not the point. I just said, ok, well, sounds like you're busy, we'll talk tomorrow. And hung up.

There's a lot of time to think during a long road trip. And it really hit me that this is really over. At every chance he's had to soften, to open his heart, to think about possibilities - he's refused. I need to come to grips with that. And it's hard.

Told my parents today what was going on.

My mom - well, just don't humiliate yourself chasing after him.

My dad - he needs to take care of you financially. Is your car paid off? How much debt do you have? Do you have a lawyer? When can you move here, you need support?

They also said they were there for me, could come up and stay with me, and to hang in there.

My dad looks great, by the way. Much better than I expected. He tires, and can't lift things, but in general is exactly the same. It's a huge relief.

Grief is really hitting me hard today. I hope tomorrow is better.

six plus

Six plus hours in the car is do-able on your own, but not so much fun. Made it to my sister's with only one stop for dinner. And several cycles of kid CDs. Today is the big ten plus hours, at least I'll have my sister with me.

soundtrack

This is our wedding song. It's been running like a soundtrack through my mind these past few weeks. Our wedding rings are engraved with "sweet memories."



And, so, we're off in a few hours. Many hours in the car with a two year old. Wish me luck!

getting mad

Ok, everyone is saying I need to get mad. So now I'm mad. Last week, husband worked late every night except Friday, and he "deserved Friday off" and went out with friends. Not a single night with our daughter, or helping around the house in any way.

Last night I ask him how the apartment hunt is going, and he says he's narrowed it down to 2 places. WTF. "Working" my ass. Jerk.

Last night he comes upstairs at 3 am, which wakes me. And then a dear friend calls from New Zealand at 5:30 am. And then my daughter wakes up at 6:45. I get her, bring her into my bed. At 8 we go wake my husband up. Oh, he says, I didn't realize she was up. He says I should go back to bed. I'm exhausted, and I start sobbing. Cry myself into near sleep. And then he oh so helpfully brings my daughter upstairs and she proceeds to have a tantrum/crying fit.

Why the hell can't he manage? Why is this all on me? I get up, calm her down, read her books, and just lose it with him. Scream at him for being worthless, no help at all, just wanting to be the fun dad but not a real adult. Scream at him to leave.

So, he left. Looking at apartments, I presume. Says he'll be out tomorrow.

Weekly update (I'm too frenzied to do links to all the relevant places, so here's the link to last week's update).
- My daughter and I are off to my parents for Thanksgiving. We leave tomorrow, driving 6 hours to my sister's, then on Tuesday driving to my folks, 10+ hours. Returning Sat/Sun. I should have bitten the bullet and flown, but am hoping it'll be fun. Sort of. My dad seems ok, sounds strong. I'll tell my sister when we're driving, and I'll tell my parents once I get there.

- I semi-accepted the job. They offered me a lot of money, and "comparable benefits." Every question I've asked was answered one of two ways - oh, you'll decide that as the program head, or that'll be covered in the offer letter. So, I decided since they weren't offering me any negotiating points, to proceed to offer letter - I wrote and said I'd like to accept the job, and if it all works out, I will, and if I can't get the offer the way I like it, I'll walk. I'll speak to the lawyer on Monday, and we'll have this week to hammer it out. They want me to resign my current job the 26th, and start with them on the 10th of December. Maybe one of these days I'll wrote more about this. Every single professional or professional/friend contact who knows says to take it. Only people who know me solely personally (and who are currently helping me through this emotional upheaval), or through this blog, have expressed any reservations at all. It is one of the only things that temporarily quells the anxiety.

- Weight. This is another long to come post. I've lost more than ten pounds through this ordeal. Which means another 10 to look ok, and 15 to look really good, and 10 more to be truly in the right BMI. I'm eating fairly healthfully, though not drinking enough water. Need to exercise. Aerobic.

- marriage. See above. Not sure where to go now. Take the week off and see what things are like when I get back, I guess? We have a joint counseling session the 28th. Not even sure why anymore, though I think we should keep it. At least it's a place to air things.

- anxiety. Sky high, though tempered by anger and excitement at leaving. The one thing about daily posting (NaBloPoMo) is that it buries posts. Particularly since I write so much, and particularly weekend posts. So check out yesterday's anxiety post.

The question still remains - any good ideas for managing anxiety?

fluttering

I can feel my pulse fluttering along. Skipping, rushing, pounding. Never slow and steady anymore.

My traditional Chinese medicine guy says he can feel the anxiety in my pulse. But then again last month he thought I had a "pregnancy pulse," so what does he know?

I'm not depressed. I'm anxious. No full blown panic attacks, but certainly anxiety attacks, the jitters, nervous energy, an inability to just be. I can't stand to be in my head. I have no patience to do anything, though, except think obsessively about my marriage. The closest I can come to mindfulness is sometimes with my daughter, focusing entirely her. Or, sometimes thinking about the possible new job helps.

I was out, away, all day. And anxious the entire day. Anxious driving home, anxious eating dinner. Anxious now typing.

My sleeping is now better - I might wake once in the night, but generally am able to fall back asleep.

Under "normal" circumstances, I am healthy, robust, sleep easily, relax with no problems (actually relax a bit too much, into sluggishness). Now, I am exercising more than before this all happened (though probably still not enough). I am reaching out to friends to talk when it gets bad. I am writing here.

I have an aversion to prescriptions, though I have a prescription for Ativan.

Any ideas for dealing with anxiety?

Corporate baloney

The president of my current company every once in a while brings in some management consultant or another for training.

Generally, I'm kind of geeky and enjoy learning these management theories and examples. I have friends who do this professionally and I think they are very smart. I didn't like the last guy.

We had a long talk about words we use. And now on the banned list are:

Should
But
Try

I forget what the deal is with should, something about placing too much guilt (you should have done this or that, something like that). But negates everything that came before it. And in the words of the timeless Yoda, there is no try, there is only do.

So fine, whatever.

I know that I should withdraw from my husband, but I can't, but I'm going to try.

What words are verboten for you?

And now for the navel gazing. I can't decide what kind of blog this is - a diary, or a musings. I tried to keep it at musings with what's written above, but I feel compelled to diary the latest:

I know. I know, I know. The draw is so powerful, it is nearly impossible for me to stay away. I am fighting every cell is my body that is urging me to call him right now and see if we could get drinks after work.

I crawled into bed with him last night, just craving some companionship (no sex, though I'm still interested, dammit). We caught up on his family and his work. I asked if he just didn't want to be the bad guy and he said that wasn't it. And I turned onto my right, and he was on his right, and he put his arm around me (though over the covers) for a brief while. Semi-cuddling, though bodies not touching. A facsimile of how we always sleep. I stayed like that for a few minutes, and summoning up every ounce of resolve I have I broke away and went to my (our) room. And burst into tears. And hoped he would hear and come. I don't know if he heard. He didn't come.

weirdness

So, my parents called this morning. Kind of scared me. We're fairly independent, and my parents almost never call, and certainly never at 8:30 am.

My mom was on the phone and said, can I talk to [husband]? Oh, I said, in relief, sure (thinking it was a computer call, he's the resident computer expert). So I track him down and hand him the phone, and then I hear him say, oh, your daughter is the expert on baked ziti.

Backstory - my husband is half Italian. So, in our cooking split, he always made the baked ziti. But also always complained it wasn't as good as his mom's and brother's. So this past spring, I asked his mom and brother how they made it, and learned their tricks. And after my first attempt, my husband said the job was now mine, and I've made it ever since.

So, anyway, he spent 15 minutes talking to my parents, giving them my recipe (except not quite right), asking how my dad was, chitchatting with my mom, before finally handing the phone over and leaving for work.

WTF?

So we exchanged a couple of e-mails today, where he again indicated he might want to go for Thanksgiving, and said he enjoyed talking to my parents.

He worked late tonight (legitimate, I think) and got home in time for the fun part of putting our daughter to bed (story and prayers). And then walked into our room after me. To talk about Thanksgiving. He wanted to go because he felt he might be able to help, but yeah, did not want to spend 7 hours alone with me in the car, and another 10 with me and my sister. The thing between us was between us, not between him and my family. I just asked him questions - why did he want to go? Why didn't he want to go? When could he go?

And he finally said, well, that's it, I won't go.

He is conflicted. But not about leaving me. About people knowing he is leaving me. He's always been a "good guy." My mom has told me on more than one occasion that I chose well. He appears to be a fine, upstanding man. And clearly, right now, he's not. But he doesn't want anyone to know that. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I don't know what to do about that. But I think it's good that he doesn't go. I think (I know) I need this time with my family. I need a week of freedom, and of support.

Even now, though, what I want is for him to come back upstairs and say, I want to go.

My counselor today said it was good I was starting to get angry. And I wanted to get angry with him - are you kidding me? You only want to go so you're not the bad guy, you can try to preserve your reputation, and prevent me from gaining any support that I badly need. But I couldn't. I'm too sad and tired.

Private practice

So when I decided to add Private Practice to my list of shows I watch, why didn't it occur to me that Addison Montgomery was a baby doctor? And there was an infertility specialist on the show, too? And that every episode would deal with things that can possibly go wrong with having, or trying to have, a baby?

next

Whew, there are days I don't want to post. The endless depressing saga is not fun to rehash over and over again. I really appreciate all the comments on the last posting, and everyone is right. I need to withdraw, protect myself, help me.

Right now, I've offered him a thanksgiving plan. He takes our daughter to his parents Saturday and returns Sunday. I drive with my daughter to my sister's on Monday (6 hours) and my sister and I drive together to my parents (10 hours) on Tuesday. And then we backtrack on Saturday/Sunday. Brutal. But I've always liked driving, and have done the drive many times. Of course, with a toddler, it's a whole new ballgame, but having the break of my sister's place will be helpful. My husband had plans the weekend after Thanksgiving (college football game) so it's not like he was going to be around anyway.

We "talked" last night. In quotes because it's the same discussion - my asking why he won't at least give me a chance, him saying he just doesn't want to. I genuinely expect to frame my logical argument and my heartbreak and have him say, you're right, let's give it a shot. I genuinely do. And it doesn't happen, and it's the same discussion over and over and over again, and it's not working.

At least tonight is the return of Project Runway. Simple pleasures.

breaking

OK. I'm at work. Got here about 30 minutes ago, from our joint counseling session.

He is done. Wants out, and wants out now. Refuses to work on things, just done.

I guess it's starting to break through to me that my marriage might really be over. I've been, I don't know, in denial? Disbelief?

I seriously can't process what is happening. That it might be over. I almost typed IS over, and couldn't bring myself to. I still don't believe it.

I feel frozen right now.

He gave me a ride after the session. As I was nearing my destination, he said, ok, look, I found a place I like. It's 2 suburbs over. Probably 30 minutes away. I asked how much - a lot. I asked what about lease. He said 6 months, or 10 months, or a year.

One of the things we talked about in the counseling session was that I was having a problem with where he was looking for apartments. That it was too far away to be a practical support for my daughter and me. He felt I was dictating his choice, and he wanted to make his own choices. Our counselor asked him to put himself in my shoes, understand why I wanted a say in his choice, and, if he could, be compassionate and make a compromise choice that kept into account my feelings. That made him angry.

So as I'm getting out of the car he tells me this choice. And it's just frozen me. I'm numb, close to shaking, and stuck. Should I slip out of work and go home? Can I put this aside and get something done? Can I function?

Tonight I need to talk to him about this. I need to say, walk me through what a day/a week would look like in your new place. When would you come over? When would you watch our daughter? When would you work on our house? Maybe if we can logically work through this, it'll make sense.

I want him to live close. Maybe it's too close. I think he has responsibilities he'd be shirking if he signed a lease so far away. I want him to sublet a place for a few months, not make any permanent decisions. That seems so logical to me.

I am so not in the realm of logic anymore.

not working

Today is officially a holiday at my job - Veteran's Day. I'm lucky to work at a place that gives all federal holidays off.

In an attempt to give my husband more space, though, I'm in the office. I've lined up a list of things I want to talk through at the counseling session tomorrow. It's a full page, so not sure we'll get through everything.

Otherwise, I am sitting here not working. I have some medical reimbursements I really should put in. I have some actual work I am waaaaay behind on.

And yet, I'm checking blogs, eating lunch, shuffling some things around on my desk - everything but working.

I did talk to a friend who is a psychologist. She specializes in workplace dynamics. That's not the right description - I can't think of the term. Organization management? Yeah, that's probably right. We talked through my job offer. In all seriousness, if not for the mess that is my personal life, I'd be jumping on this job.

Given my various appointments (counseling for myself and joint), and all the myriad other things going on, can I really handle a tremendous jump in responsibility? While learning to juggle being a single mom?

I think I hope to gain some concessions from my husband tomorrow - commitments to support - both financially and more importantly in time spent with - my daughter and me.

We shall see.

Tonight I am going out for drinks with a friend. I haven't seen her since September, so, my poor dear friend, I will have a lot to talk about.

weekly update

OK, so as usual too much going on. This daily posting thing is good, in the sense of discipline and forcing me to get it all out, but also a bit exhausting. I'm exhausted, and don't know where to go with a post today.

So, I thought Sundays I could do a weekly update, just to take stock. Things are happening so fast in my life, that maybe having a weekly record will help sort things out.

Let's build up to the big thing. Heck, these are all big things. I have TOO much going on in my life right now. Too much. Too much to bear, too much for any one person to shoulder. I was looking over the blog today, though, and noticed in my tags all I'm writing about is marriage. That's the crisis, I suppose.

My Dad - had triple bypass surgery a while ago. My god, I don't even remember when. I had to look it up. Two and a half weeks ago. He's doing ok, able to get up the stairs and take a shower daily now, so has made a lot of progress. I'm still trying to figure out if/how I can get there for Thanksgiving.

My job. Still hate my current job, and haven't even written about that. Hate with a passion, and doing a crappy job of it, too. I have an assistant (not a personal assistant, a junior staffer) and he's really stepped up and is covering a lot. I'm applying for FLMA, and just taking tons of time off for various counselor and doctor appointments.

Job offer. Still sitting on the job offer. Supposed to let them know Tuesday. Vacillating between two poles. A fool to take it, a fool not to. Slightly leaning toward taking it, but really not sure. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more about this, try to process it a bit more. None of my other interviews panned out in productive, immediate ways. The low-energy people are indecisive. The guy I sort of forced myself on wants to hire, but needs to go through a whole process. So this offer is good. And a big job. Interesting, probably very fulfilling. Maybe too demanding, given everything else going on in my life, and my desire (even before all the shot hit the fan) to spend more time to with my daughter.

Marriage. Ugh. We talked again today. He confirmed, as I knew, that I was putting too much pressure on him. He needs space, and I cannot give it to him. I want to talk, and work on things, and spend time together, and so on and so on and so on and it's making him crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming myself. Just acknowledging that if I want to try to improve things, I'm not. I'm going to try to let go, and wait until our joint counseling session Tuesday morning to put things on the table. First, I'm cheap, and it frustrates me to think of him wasting money on renting a place. (of course, to him it's not a waste). I need to talk about Thanksgiving, establishing boundaries, laying out a process. I should write it all out, to be prepared for Tuesday. After we talked today I left the house and ran errands, leaving him with our daughter. It was a good move. I came home to a more civil, pleasant guy. I suggested he do some painting tonight (I've not even typed about our work on our house, let's just say SIGNIFICANT) and he thought that was a good idea.

In general, for completely unknown reasons, I've been in a fairly good mood today. Even typing now, I don't feel the sadness and crushing grief and panic I've been feeling. I don't know why that is. Parts of our conversation were hurtful. Am I in denial? Right now I just feel matter of fact.

I am strong. I will survive. I will get through this all. I know that. I wish, I hope, I pray, it all works out for the best.

reproduction or not

OK, I am feeling like an idiot/Dr Phil wannabe having typed out that my husband and I had unprotected sex while discussing him finding an apartment. I'm not an idiot. Or a woman who would trick her husband into having a child to force him to stay with her. I swear, I am not. I'm level headed, and strong, full of common sense, and practical. In real life. I seem to have exited real life somewhere along the way, though.

My daughter's asleep, my husband's still out, and I'm not going to get anything done, so time for the reproduction recap.

I've said I've been spending most of my time lately on pregnancy loss sites (her blogroll is very comprehensive), and that still partially defines me. I wanted this blog to be an outlet to talk about something else entirely other than the mess that is my marriage.

So, in a nutshell, here's my story. It's far more complicated and painful. Bare bones is all I can manage for now.

We were married in 1999, when I was 30. We went through a rough time in 2003, which I thought was partially based on wanting to have a baby, and my husband being unsure. In late 2003*, we started trying. I was 36.

We tried for 6 months, I started charting and it seemed like I was regularly ovulating. At 6 months, my husband was tested, and he had varicoceles. Huh, interesting, I wasn't a big wikipedia user in 2004*, so first time reading that. In our case, those varicoceles were absolutely the cause of low sperm count, and an outpatient procedure resolved the problem. His doctor even said to my husband, your wife will be pregnant before your 6 week check-up.

And I was. For about 3 weeks - until an early miscarriage. I was really new to all this, and to me it just felt like my period starting 2 weeks late. And doctors assured us it was "just one of those things," not to worry. We told almost no one. The miscarriage had an impact on me, but it was hard to know what that impact was at the time. Now I think it's all cumulative.

We waited the proscribed 3 months before trying again, and it all worked fine. I was pregnant in December 04, and had my daughter in September 05. It was an uneventful pregnancy. We did a little bit of genetic testing (nuchal translucency) and all indications were fine. I had wanted natural childbirth, but my water broke, I never went into labor, only dilated 2 cm after 36 hours (24 hours on pitocin), so a c-section it was.

The doctors suggested that after a c-section, it was best to not get pregnant again for a year, to allow full healing. We wanted another, and knew the clock was ticking, but also knew we needed that year.

So, in October 2006 we started trying again. In November I was pregnant, with an early August due date. I would be 38 when baby #2 was born, and my daughter would be just shy of 2. I had a tiny bit of early bleeding, and we had some early ultrasounds. The tech told us I had released an egg from both ovaries, though there was only one baby. The baby was on the small side, but at 7 weeks everything looked reasonably fine. We decided to tell family at Christmas, to share. We thought it was all going to be smooth sailing.

In January, we went in again for the nuchal measurement. No big deal. We even brought our daughter. When the tech stops talking, it's a clear sign things aren't going well. Our measurements were a little off, but not significantly. We waited for the blood work. Measurements again a little off, but not significantly. The baby was small, but just a tad off. It was unclear what, if anything, was going on, though they thought something was wrong, they just weren't sure what. So we scheduled a CVS.

And those results were, of course, conclusive and definite. And the baby did not survive. By February it was over, except of course the loss did not go well and I needed a D&C. The months of January and February are just a fog to me now. We were seeing specialists, counselors, the whole realm of what could possibly be done. When nothing could be. The doctors assured us it was just bad luck. We could try again in about 6 months.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. To watch things go wrong step by step by step - with no possibility of averting or changing the course - is wrenching. I would not wish what we went through on anyone. My husband and I saw a counselor who specialized in pregnancy loss, and things seemed to be getting back on track.

I wanted desperately to get pregnant again. To put pregnancy 3 behind us. To be normal again. To give my daughter, who is a classic "little mother" to her army of baby dolls, a sibling. To be a whole family.

I've always had a regular cycle. 28/29 days, like clockwork. My period started up 4 months after my daughter was born. And the very next month after the loss and D&C. In July, at 5 months post loss, I noticed my cervical mucous indicated I was ovulating. I thought about trying that month, but we were going on vacation in August, I wanted to enjoy it and not be in the first trimester. So we tried in August. No pregnancy. I wasn't sure, but I thought I might not have ovulated. My cervical mucous signs are pretty clear, and there was almost none. Same in September.

What the hell. So I started charting, and decided to try traditional Chinese medicine. And bought little pee sticks to test for ovulation. There was maybe mucous in October, and the pee sticks seemed to indicate ovulation, and we had sex at the right time - just before I discovered his infidelity.

I actually thought I might be pregnant. I was nauseated, and tired, and felt terrible. However, all those symptoms can be explained by finding out your husband wants to leave you. My TCM guy thought my pulse as a pregnancy pulse. I hoped I was. My period started the day I found out my husband hadn't ended the affair.

So, endlessly long post later, that brings us to last night. I'd lost track. I barely know what day of the week it is, much less what day of my cycle it is. After three months, I seriously doubt I'm suddenly ovulating. No Jerry Springer/Dr. Phil moment for me. I've been through too much in the past year to even be capable of trickery and treachery. At 39, in addition to dealing with infidelity, divorce, remnants of pregnancy loss, and everything else, I'm coming to grips with knowing I'll only ever have one living child (I know I'm incredibly blessed to have one adorable, precious, unbelievably wonderful child. I will never, ever discount that.)

In the panoply of loss that my life has become, this loss - the loss of fertility and possibility of another child - is the hardest to bear.

* edited to correct dates

riding the roller coaster

Sigh. Ups, downs, and everything in between.

My husband is out right now looking at apartments. We talked last night for 3 hours. I guess we ended with him saying he just couldn't trust that 12 bad years could be turned around. And me saying yes, they could, and what did we have to lose by trying.

We also had sex. Unprotected. On Day 13 of my 28 day regular (though recently non ovulatory) cycle. The sex was great, actually, and needed. 9/10s of our problems can be traced to miscommunication over our sexual difficulties. Him insecure about his performance, me withdrawing so as not to have to (and not knowing how to) deal.

I still can't process that this is happening. That he won't just say, god, I am being an idiot, let's take this chance to work on our relationship and make it better.

We talked last night about ideal lives we'd like to lead, things we want to do, places we want to see - and we share so much. So much past, and overlapping future desires.

So, crap. What to do now. We have a joint session Tuesday, and maybe that will help sort this out. He showed some willingness to travel for Thanksgiving to see my dad. Not sure if that's wise, really, but it's hard to get there - and with a two year old in tow, and maybe my parents needing practical help, I could use the support.

I think a lot about why I am trying, why I am insistent that he owes it to us to try. Even if we resolve our problems, we're still faced with dealing with infidelity. I still fundamentally believe that when you make a marriage commitment, and when you have a child, you do everything in your power to keep that relationship going. Not to a point of misery, but if there's the slightest chance of a good relationship at the end of hard work, you do the work. The good far outweighs the bad at this point. And we've not tried. That's what it comes down to - we've not tried to make things better. I can't make him, that's obvious. He has to want to. But for me, I don't like to give up - without trying. So I'm holding n for the ride, for now.

each day

Making it through each day is hard. I'm not great with uncertainty.

I called DH when I knew he'd be at the airport. I'd had an anxious day, and couldn't take another second of uncertainty - would he arrive home, help put our daughter to bed, pack his bag and walk out the door without a word? He had sent me a brief apology for his e-mail, were we still in status quo?

He answered cheerfully and we chitchatted about his trip and his flights home. I paused, and asked what his plans were for the night. He said he'd be home, and he had no plans Friday nor Saturday. I paused again and said, you must know after the e-mails I have no idea what to expect. He said he could say the same thing.

Um, what?

He said after sending me the most hurtful, mean e-mail, and then not talking to me, he had no idea what I was thinking, either.

Once he arrived home and we put our daughter to bed, we talked briefly. We had dinner plans with a friend of his on Saturday and he said he'd cancel them, or just go alone with our daughter. I said, is it so terrible to go to dinner with me? Would that be so bad? And he said not. So, maybe that is still on.

We kissed goodnight, and I know he felt something (physical, not emotional) for me. I wanted him to stay in our room, but he didn't.

Last night was the worst sleep I've had all week. It's hard to have him down the hall. I want things to resolve - I want my husband back. I want to cuddle up in bed on a cold night.

This morning, I said let's do something tonight - have a drink after work? Plan to watch Tivo-ed shows? He was noncommital. A few minutes later he said he'd go out alone Saturday night.

What the hell. I told him I wasn't his baby sitter, and if he needed a babysitter he should hire one.

Half step forward, two steps back.

Last week when we talked he said it was like he was behind a block of ice, and didn't know how to thaw it. It's not a great metaphor. To me, it feels like he's behind a closed door. Just OPEN the damn door already. Just open it.

I know it's not that simple.

But then, when I left this morning, we kissed goodbye. Passionately.

Who knows what tonight will bring.

attractive

So last night I was at a work event, a reception. There were mirrors all over the walls, and I kept catching glimpses of myself. I was wearing a new jacket, which had received many compliments. I had my hair cut a week or so ago and that had also received compliments. I've lost 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks.

And I hated every glimpse I saw. I wanted to feel attractive, desirable, sexy. Instead I felt frumpy, unattractive, not pretty. I'm tired, with dark circles, I weigh too much, I look sad.

Every time I would start to feel ok, suddenly there'd be a glimpse and I'd come crashing back down.

Once when fighting with an old boyfriend, years and years and years ago, he told me that I was unapproachable. We lived in a college town with lots of bar hopping, and he said I looked aloof. I still consider this one of the more cutting things anyone has ever said to me. Later, he tried to say I was classy, and not someone you'd approach in a college bar if one was looking for a random hookup. But deep in my heart I know I'm just not attractive.

Part of my fear of losing my husband is being single again. Who would ever want me, an unattractive 40 year old single mom? I know many women feel this way, and many find love after heartache.

I'm sad today. My husband and I did not talk last night. We've exchanged one e-mail, but purely functional, nothing else. He comes home tonight, and I have no idea what to expect. Will he move out tomorrow? I don't know. Will we talk tonight? I can't even guess.

We have a joint counseling session on Tuesday. It seems an interminable time away.

screwing up

One of the hardest things about navigating a crisis is figuring out what to do. What's the right thing to do to try and improve the situation, and what might screw things up?

Well, it looks like I've screwed up.

My husband is on a business trip, so I thought I'd send him a light hearted e-mail every morning - a picture from the past, a quote, a story. I decided on Tuesday to send him something sexy. My hope was that it would stir him, and when he came back he'd want me physically.

We follow, roughly, the His Needs, Her Needs philosophy of marriage. It's helped us in the past understand how things were going, and I've also used the Marriage Builders site.

One of the hardest things is to let go. Let things be and unfold as they will. I push too hard, too fast. Living in uncertainty is hard on me.

So I pushed, with a sexy e-mail reminding him of a past encounter, and talking about my fantasy life - my fantasy life I don't share with him. Why? Because I'm shy. Because he over analyzes things. Because fantasies are fantasies and not what I want in reality, and that's a subtle point. Sharing fantasies can probably be great, but if the person you share with takes the fantasy as the end all be all, then it's too much. I made some other mistakes - a fantasy from a year ago. Shedding light on something that happened over a year ago, that had (it turns out) puzzled him.

Seriously, I thought he might be turned on, and when he got back Thursday night I was hoping for some powerful, forceful sex. (Not forceful as in forcing, against anyone's will, but the pure fantasy of being taken by a strong man).

Instead, it enraged him. I got back two e-mails just eviscerating me, our so called relationship, our lack of communication, how I shot down any and all talk of sex. "Thanks for sharing over a year later. Does a lot of fucking good now. Enough already. Stop it with the pictures and e-mails. You're only making it worse." There was worse, but that pretty much sums it up.

I hate screwing up. The stakes are high, and every step backward is another one closer to the edge. I'm not ready for the edge yet.

In August, we were plotting how we could buy a vacation house. In September, we were trying to get pregnant. In October this all exploded. I need to slow down, have strength, and just work through this at a reasonable pace.

So in addition to an apology, I also sent him a Pearls Before Swine comic. I had meant to do it last week, so just went for it. I have a reception tonight for work (advisory committee meeting), and our nanny will watch our daughter for dinner. So he can call and not have to talk to me tonight. And I can have a nice glass of wine, and have some of the old farts on this committee pretend to flirt with me tonight, and I can feel smart and pretend I am desirable.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I need a day off.

Free rice vocabulary

Someone just sent me this link, and it is addicting.

Warning - may provide much distraction from your regularly scheduled life.

Free Rice

I am hovering at a fairly consistent score. And, I'm PISSED.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

Coming full circle

My goal, in storytelling/blogging is to tell a complete story. To bring it all together. Maybe not with a neat tidy bow, but in a way that suggests I'm not just disgorging, but am plotting a storyline.

Niobe caught me. In her comment to blogging mentors, she suggests I visit the blogs of others experiencing infidelity.

Would have made a nicer story, right? And in fact was my intention. Last night I sat, staring stupidly at my screen, trying to think of any way to wrap that post together. I finally ended with a platitude - very unsatisfying to me. (though heartfelt).

Niobe's comment reminded me that I had plotted it all out, and must have been too tired to remember.

Here's the thing. I'm still infertile. I've still suffered a horrible pregnancy loss. I'm still a mom. I still have a sense of humor. The 4 I focused on were the blogs I visited most often, and they spoke to all the "boxes" of me.

Now I've added a whole new series of boxes. Which do I check? cheating husband? Separated? Single mom? Still infertile? Still grieving, and now the loss of my marriage added to that pile o' grief?

I'm not quite ready for the I have survived and am all the better for it blogs. But it's time to start seeking yet another community.

So, when your husband doesn't love you anymore and your daughter misses her daddy, and you still have fading hope in putting it all back together, while meanwhile grieving a pregnancy loss and mourning your fertility - where are my new people? Any ideas?

blogging mentors

I can't remember how I got interested in blogging. It was definitely a couple of years ago, but what I visited and what I read - I can't tell you.

Til, somehow, I discovered Amalah. OMG. It's hard to even type a description, since probably everyone knows her, and she's such an amazing blogging overlord and all, while I am a pale, quaking pre-schooler compared to her uber-awesomeness.

And from Amalah, I found Joy Unexpected. Y is real, and raw, and so freaking hilarious I have almost made the sweet pee-pee in my pants reading her. Shit - I am trying to find the sweet pee-pee entry which is one of my most favorite things ever, too damn funny. The dance off will have to do.

I've mentioned I'm dealing with pregnancy loss. I'm not sure how, but I found Niobe at DeadBabyJokes. Her sparse, polished, perfectly elegant writing style again humbles me. For pure writer-ly-ness (intentional crappy writing) she's an inspiration. I love how she shows only pieces of herself, and yet how if you've read everything, the pieces are coming together. But there are still so many unanswered questions. I could almost be a weird blog stalker of Niobe, so I try not to think about it too much.

And finally, Meg from The.Para.Graph. I found her through Niobe, and was captivated from word 1. I wish I had started reading her as her latest journey began, so that I could have been there for her throughout. Instead, I found her as she has again started on an all too familiar, though brutally original journey. My heart aches for her, and I consider her to be one of the strongest people I've never met. Sometimes people say to me they don't know how I'm holding it together (not well). I draw strength from people who are writing real, true words about their own personal lives.

I hope I can bring the same honesty to this. And have something to say that speaks to someone.

And now back to the navel gazing part of the day:
My husband is away on a business trip. I'm fairly certain solely professional, though who knows. He called, as is our practice, during dinner to talk to our daughter. And said he'd call me later. I said he didn't have to, just let me know if he would or wouldn't. He said he would for a bit. It takes me a while to type, so we've just now hung up. He's not, I don't know. He's not as distant, but still something. Closed off? Sad? Done? I don't know.

I'm growing closer to accepting my new job offer. I said to DH last night - did he realize we were on the precipice of everything we've ever wanted (financially speaking). We'd be able to very quickly fix up the remainder of our house, have cleaning help weekly, a regular babysitter, a growing pile of savings....it's all right there. He didn't respond. I suppose, if we're on a different sort of precipice, it's enough money so he doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving me. I'd have enough to raise our daughter in reasonable comfort.

I want to take a flying leap. A leap into success.

Amalah, Y, Niobe, Meg - thank you for keeping it real.

daily posting

Wow, so daily posting. On the one hand, I need the release daily and even multiple times a day. On the other hand, suddenly there's a lot of pressure.

Things have been happening more quickly than I can post, I have some ideas of things I'd like to talk about, and there's a whole lot of backstory to relate. Like, oh, I don't know, the grief and loss that brought me to this place to begin with. And I have new ideas all the time. Everything just seems to focus in so quickly on the crisis at hand. Not surprising, but I fear potentially boring. Constant angst and moaning from me as a doormat (will he, won't he, he loves me he loves me not) won't pull in the readers!

Maybe that's what's so therapeutic about writing. If I write every day "I'm so miserable curled up in the fetal position examining my navel" - well, who's going to stick around for that? So part of learning my voice is learning how to convey the latest, in ways that are both interesting and informative. And, therapeutic for me.

So, back to the navel gazing:
My husband is giving our daughter a bath right now. She has missed him, and so clearly wants us both at the same time. People say, don't worry, she won't even remember you two ever lived together. And that's true, I agree, for the most part, but there's clearly a transition to a new normal, and I have to believe there's a latent sense of abandonment.

My husband is being careful to tell me where he is and what he's doing. On Friday night he told me he and his girl had switched back to a professional relationship only. He had things to work on, she had a life to live. I believed that initially, but doubt has crept in.

My sincere hope is that she has a group of friends who are saying things to her like are you CRAZY?! Someone must be saying, who the heck gets involved with a married man, there's nothing but heartache ahead, and a mess you DO NOT want to deal with. I sincerely hope she's got decent self-esteem, and enough self respect to realize she could be doing a lot better than what someone 13 years her senior, her boss, a married man, and a child to boot, would have to offer. And, if she has high self esteem and a healthy self respect, I pray she cares about her career and doesn't want to establish a reputation at such a young age.

My only regret from calling her is that I did not say, "boy, I bet your parents are so proud of you!" dripping with sarcasm, of course.

So, these mythical friends of hers, I hope you are taking her out every night, partying hard, meeting all sorts of age appropriate, studly, fun guys.

GOD, I hope she has some friends.

fortunes

Last night I went out with friends while my husband stayed home with our daughter. They had Chinese food, and this morning there were 2 fortune cookies out on the counter.

Needing a sign, I cracked one open:

Listen attentively. You will come out ahead.

A good sign, I thought. Once I got home last night we spent a long time talking. We are exhausting ourselves talking, but last night was reasonably ok. His main point was that he's just lost any romantic feelings for me, and my main point was I hadn't, I missed him, and if we tried spending time together, doing things together, having fun together, maybe he'd gain those feelings back. Maybe not but maybe. And what did he have to lose? I tried to listen, and think I heard a lot. I also know I will come out ahead, no matter which way this goes.

Later in the day I cracked open the second:

Pain is temporary; the success it brings can be everlasting.

I liked that a lot. I am in a lot of pain - but maybe that pain is for a reason, leading me into a new place. With, or without, him in it. What comes next will be a better life.

I just signed up for NaBloPoMo.

Writing here has helped. It's good to get it out. And if I post daily, maybe I won't have the mammoth posts. So much is happening so quickly, there's little time for reflection, and no time for any analysis. I hope this will be a good record. But, I'm censoring myself. It's always been important for me to have an anonymous blog - at least to start, to find my voice. I've typed sensitive stuff about my life, my choices, and my sex life. And I'm a prude! I'm ok putting it all there anonymously, so that's not the censorship. Knowing my husband knows about this makes it impossible to be fully open about everything I am thinking. The day he told me he was reading it, he also said he wasn't going to read it anymore. And I replied by saying that was probably the saddest thing of all. If he cared at all, he would be checking in.

Funny enough, blogging is a good example of things about me that drive my husband away. About 2 years ago I thought about starting a blog. I was reading a lot of blogs, I was comenting, I was obsessed with a few, I wanted in the clique. So for Christmas that year, he got me a good book about blogging. And I flipped through it, but as I said in my very first post, I had name anxiety. I needed time to mull this over, come up with a good name and decide on my point of view. And I needed the name to match the point of view. So I've been mulling this over for, well, 2 years. I don't take immediate action. I need time to sit with whatever it might be. Eventually I do take action, but (this is such a dumb example), it bugs my husband that he gave me that book and I never used it. It's not that it was a wasted present. I will use it (even given how fast technology changes). And I value the present. I just need to do it on my own pace. And that's true of much of my life - cleaning the dishes, putting clutter away, dieting, you name it, I'm doing it - or not - on my schedule, which is not entirely the most logical schedule in the world.

On the plus side, I didn't eat either fortune cookie.

so tired

I can't take much more of this.

I met with my counselor today, and though I was crying quite a bit, she said, you are a strong person. Maybe they say that to everyone? I know I am strong person. I'm just so, so tired right now. I want my life back.

So, it's a bit confusing - my husband and I had a counselor for us jointly to work through issues of loss. She's now our marriage counselor, and she's also his counselor. And so I am going to a brand new person, who has partnered with our counselor before. She seemed ok, though of course nothing was "fixed" in the 55 minutes I was there, not that it could have been. We have given the two counselors permission to speak to each other, and she did tell me that husband's counselor is shocked at how firm my husband is on not even trying.

That's the part I just do not get. I cannot comprehend not giving it one last real try.

Part of me, knowing him as I do, knows he has his back up a bit and won't be forced into anything. He's set his mind on separating, so we're gonig to separate. I think he needs to see how that is, and I suppose there's a slight chance that if it's not working, or he misses me, or misses our girl, he'll then be willing to try. I'm prepping myself more and more for the eventuality of divorce.

He told me today he thought I was crazy to not take the job. I want to say, ok, you can abandon your daughter, but I can't. And that's the thing. I think she'll need me around MORE, not less. I am so unsure what to do. And once she starts school it's not like she can travel with me. I really do wonder if he thinks he'll have more access to her if I take this job. That's got to be part of his calculus.

He's off to a concert tonight. I had never planned to go, but always have been jealous he is going. I keep thinking about calling him and seeing if he would be willing to grab a drink pre-concert, but I think he would say no. I need to not be so grasping, trying to force him.

I know I need to let go. And maybe he will come back, and maybe - probably - he won't. Letting go - when every instinct you have is to FIGHT - is the hardest thing in the world. Especially when you are so tired.

sending a message

So we had a nice halloween with our daughter. Our street is really great and full of kids, big and small, so lots and lots and lots of trick or treaters (12 bags of candy! gone!). Husband went out around 11, and I went to bed. Woke up at 4, and th house was dark and quiet.

So I came down for a drink, and saw he actually is home. He must have crept quietly into the guest room. Guess that sends a message.

I am really and truly just reeling from this. How do we get to a place where he's unwilling to raise his unhappiness, and when he does, it's the nuclear option? It's too late? My brain cannot grasp it being too late. I suppose a few more messages like this and it will.

I am so unsure about the job. I suppose he'd like me to take a job with lots of travel, as that would assure him of more time with our daughter. God, I need my partner back so we can, as we always have, make a decision that was right for our family.

I need more messages. I need some grace in my life.